[jester707]

N.H.S MENTAL HEALTH ANSWERING MACHINE


Hello and welcome to the NHS answering service.

If you are obsessive – compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please hold until we trace your call.

If you are delusional, please listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press, no-one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 6969696969

If you have a nervous disposition, please fiddle with the £ key until an operator comes on the line.

If you have a post traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 00000000

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9

If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are far too busy to be chatting to a loser like you.

If you are menopausal, turn on the fan, lie down and cry repeatedly.you wont be crazy forever.

If you are a paranoid schizophrenic, hang up quick, HE’S BEHIND YOU !