r u a true jock?

**dctyper** · 20 December, 2008, 10:55

and you struggle to say burger or murder

**ootmaroad** · 22 December, 2008, 04:31

Jokes you will only get if you are Scottish

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo..

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: '
Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is
a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant,
'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d..

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says..
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make
a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
Aye, same as masel.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking
that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to
North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta ..

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden
telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same
kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Africa, England, Japan, New
Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with
the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same
phone.

He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there
was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it
read '40 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven, but in all of them the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so
cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered,

'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.

**ootmaroad** · 22 December, 2008, 04:43

Nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their
friends and workmates.

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his
cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the
side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always
replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the
craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied.

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad
complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals
(aka the great dicktaker)

**Ratchet** · 28 December, 2008, 17:32

Well done!! funniest thing I've read in a while. 10/10

**jasbo7** · 28 December, 2008, 19:12

A bloody guid read you lot. Nooawayanbuilyerheid

**quinnyboy** · 28 December, 2008, 22:11

Different class.

**zaphodbb** · 20 January, 2009, 08:56

pure dead brilliant innat no ! time fur a bridie an a bottle of scoosh

**zaphodbb** · 20 January, 2009, 08:59

you forgot blister - always turns up after the works finished

r u a true jock?

r u a true jock?

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