You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...

[The Boss]

1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
2. you sleep with your eyes open.
3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
4. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
6. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
8. you chew on other people's fingernails.
9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
12. you don't sweat, you percolate.
13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in.
14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
15. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
16. instant coffee takes too long.
17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
19. you short out motion detectors.
20. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
21. you help your dog chase its tail.
22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
24. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
25. you answer the door before people knock.

[Mariajackson]

My daughter’s full legal name is Sludge Junky, The Amazing Coffee-Worshipping Girl, and I require her to speak in the third person.