A few jokes.

**jasbo7** · 31 March, 2011, 17:04

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection.........

but she did
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death

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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
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Man goes to the Dr's & says "I've been sh@gging the wife for 10yrs now & she is getting a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten her up a little bit?" Dr says "Well, this is a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried using the other hole?" he says "WHAAT ? & end up with a house full of kids!"

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paddy says "mick i'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says mick

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do u know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency....

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My f*cking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums............
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A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him....."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
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Spent ?40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastards sent me a magnifying glass!

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My grandfather said it's going to be a nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak.
I said tell me something i don't know.
He replied your nan's a*se can take my whole fist.

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

I presume she was poor she only had ?1.20 in her purse.

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An old lady is being examined by the Dr he asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too

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went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

A few jokes.

A few jokes.

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