few jokes
This real good girl looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Guinness or Pilsner?"
I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".
***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said. "Go on then...try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience..
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table, I said to her, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
***
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
***
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.
***
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burgler sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said ?Darling you're shaking, what is it??
?You'll never believe what I've just seen!? I said, ?That b*****r next door has still got my bloody shovel.?
***
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f**k off!
I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".
***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really" she said. "Go on then...try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience..
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table, I said to her, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
***
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
***
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in.
***
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burgler sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said ?Darling you're shaking, what is it??
?You'll never believe what I've just seen!? I said, ?That b*****r next door has still got my bloody shovel.?
***
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to f**k off!