Hate to be an englishman?

[cgscott]

SCOTLAND

The typical Englishman finishes his breakfast of toast and marmalade invented by Mrs Keller of Dundee, Scotland, and slips into his raincoat, patented by Charles Mackintosh from Glasgow, Scotland.

He then walks to his office along an English - tarmac surfaced - lane, invented by John Loudon MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland. Or he arrives in his car, which is fitted with pneumatic tyres patented by John Boyd Dunlop, of Dreghorn, Scotland.
Before he had a car he used to travel by train, which was powered by a steam engine, invested by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland.
In his office he deals with the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland, and makes frequent use of the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening, he dines on his favourite Roast beef from Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland. He then watches some television - an invention of Scotsman John Logie Baird, of Helensbourgh, Scotland - about John Paul Jones, father of the United States navy, born in Kirkbean, Scotland. The Englishman's son prefers to read Treasure Island, written by famous Scottish author, Robert Louis Stevenson, from Edinburgh, Scotland. Whilst his daughter prefers to play in the garden with her bicycle, invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, of Thorn hill, Scotland.

It is impossible for an Englishman to escape the ingenuity of the Scots!

In desperation he turns to the bible only to find that the first person mentioned is a Scotsman king James V1, who authorized the translation.
He could - of course - turn to drink, but Scotland makes the finest whiskey in the world.
At the end of his tether he uplifts a rifle to end it all, but Captain Patrick Feguson, of Pitfours, Scotland invented the Breech-loading-rifle!

If the Englishman escapes death by the rifle, he would find himself being injected with penicillin - discovered by Scottish Bacteriologist, Sir Alexander Fleming, of Darvel, Scotland - or he might be given Chloroform, am anesthetic first used by Sir James Young Simpson, of Bathgate, Scotland.

Out of the anesthetic, the Englishman's mood would not be improved if the doctor told him that his condition was as safe as the bank of England, which was founded by William Paterson, of Dumfries, Scotland.

Perhaps in order to get some peace, he could request a transfusion of good Scottish blood so that he to could be entitled to ask

[shortyball]

Well its about time the Scots did something for us, we have let them live on our land for a long time.

[ruudvandan]

that's right. why work when you can get one of your colonies to do it for you

[JonahJameson]

?The typical Englishman finishes his breakfast of toast and marmalade invented by Mrs Keller of Dundee, Scotland, and slips into his raincoat, patented by Charles Mackintosh from Glasgow, Scotland. ?

No. Marmalade was brought to Britain by the Romans.

?He then walks to his office along an English - tarmac surfaced - lane, invented by John Loudon MacAdam of Ayr, Scotland.?

No. Tarmac is an English invention and came a couple of hundred years after Macadam. Macadam, like Watt, came up with his design while living in England, with English co-workers funded by English money. That would be sufficient for Scots to claim an invention as theirs if the other way around, wouldn?t it? His road surfacing was fine in the days of horse and cart. Useless after that. Modern roads, as with most modern construction is indebted to mainly English inventions and innovations, eg; Portland cement and tarmac.

?Before he had a car he used to travel by train, which was powered by a steam engine, invested by James Watt of Greenock, Scotland.?

No. James Watt only invented the condenser, 40 years after an Englishman invented the steam engine. Is there no end to Scottish bull c r@p?

?In his office he deals with the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by John Chalmers of Dundee, Scotland, and makes frequent use of the telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell, born in Edinburgh, Scotland.?

No, an Engishman invented the stamp and a Frenchman the telephone. Meucy was in the process of suing Graham-Bell when he died. The families of the genuine inventors you list here should sue you!

?At home in the evening, he dines on his favourite Roast beef from Aberdeen Angus, raised in Aberdeenshire, Scotland?

Are you claiming to have invented cattle as well?

?He then watches some television - an invention of Scotsman John Logie Baird?

No. The TV is far too complicated to have one inventor, and an Englishman and two Americans have a much better claim. Baird was the first to demonstrate it. He did NOT invent it. Mare Scottish BS.

?Whilst his daughter prefers to play in the garden with her bicycle, invented by Kirkpatrick Macmillan, of Thorn hill, Scotland.?

No., The bike is another French invention.

?In desperation he turns to the bible only to find that the first person mentioned is a Scotsman king James V1, who authorized the translation.?

No. James VI of Scotland who later got the top job as King of England was English, with an English father and a French mother.

?He could - of course - turn to drink, but Scotland makes the finest whiskey in the world.?

It?s an Irish drink and the Irish would dispute you make the best. Typical Scottish arrogance.

Nowhere can the Scotsman (or anyone else) escape the ingenuity of the Englishman:

* The Computer
* The Internet
* THE STEAM ENGINE
* the jet engine
* The internal combustion engine
* Trains
* Railways
* Almost every contraption that contributed to the industrial revolution Eg spinning jenny, flying shuttle, sewing machine, screw cutting lathe etc
* Light bulb
* Postage Stamp
* Lawn mower
* Hydraulic press
* Bessemer process
* Stainless steel
* Smallpox vaccine
* Antiseptic in surgery
* Clinical thermometer
* Disc brakes
* Gas turbine
* Slide rule
* Adjustable spanner
* Marine clock
* Microphone
* Electric telegraph
* Benzene / electrical generator (Faraday ? working at Glasgow Uni? DOES NOT make him Scottish!!)
* Aluminium
* Discovered DNA
* The concept of isotopes
* Telescope (Isaac Newton ? need I mention his other achievements?)
* Fire extinguisher
* Portland cement
* Davy Lamp
* Beam engine (mining)
* Newton?s laws
* Electromagnet
* Vaccination
* Theory of evolution
* The periodic table
* Calculus (Newton again)
* Barometer
* Atomic theory (Dalton)
* Infrared (wasn?t Herschel)
* Fire engine
* Seat belt
* Cat?s eyes
* Plimsole line
* Hovercraft
* Aeronautics (Cayley)
* Commercial jet airliner

I could go on, but I?m worried about developing Scottish traits. I?ll be nicking other people?s inventions soon or changing people?s nationalities to suit.

[JonahJameson]

The average Scotsman, in the home he doesn?t apparently refer to as his castle, slips into his national costume, an Austrian girl?s dress, having just lunched on the Roman dish, Haggis. Deciding he looks like a complete idiot, he dons the de facto national dress of England, the business suit. Like the English language, this has taken over the world, so it makes him feel like a reasonable human being, rather than a Teutonic dancing girl.

He drives an English car (through admittedly probably owned these days by a German company) fitted with an internal combustion engine, brakes, alternator, fuel injection etc all invented by Englishmen.

He arrives at the station and boards a train, invented by an Englishman, the forerunner of which was developed from the steam engine, invented by an Englishman, running of rail tracks, invented by an Englishman. To make himself feel better, the Scotsman ignores the inventor of the steam engine, Thomas Savery, and the inventor of the atmospheric steam engine, Newcomen ? ?the father of the industrial revolution?, as they are both English. He prefers to pretend that Watt, forty years after the event, ?invented? the steam engine.

Desperate to avoid all these English innovations, he heads for the airport, only to discover the jet engine was invented by an Englishman , as was the commercial airliner, and the international language of air traffic control is English.

At the office he receives the mail bearing adhesive stamps invented by an Englishman, works on a computer, invented by an Englishman and uses the internet, invented by an Englishman.

During the day he uses the telephone invented by a Frenchman, but desperately tries to make himself feel better by pretending a Scotsman invented it. When it is pointed out that the ?Scotsman? concerned, apart from not being the inventor, was American, he buries his head in the sand and re-defines nationality by consigning anyone he approves of with any Scottish heritage whatsoever as 100% Scottish. In almost the same breath, after re-classifying zillions of the world?s population as Scottish when it suits, he?ll hide behind Scotland?s population of ?only 5 million? to excuse under-achievement. How very convenient.

(Not sure where this leaves nations with under five million like Denmark, Norway, Croatia etc.)

At home in the evening his daughter pedals her bicycle invented by another Frenchmen, but he nevertheless convinces himself this was another Scottish invention.

After the bike ride, his daughter completes homework on evolution, gravity, Newton?s Laws, DNA, Calculus and atomic theory.

Irked at all these English scientific advances he persuades her to study literature instead. Unfortunately, this consists of Shakespeare, Dickens, the Bronte sisters, Orwell and a legion of English poets like Keats, Coleridge and Kipling.

He watches the news on his television, an invention of mainly English and American origin and hears an item about the U.S. Navy, founded by the US Congress. However, he patronisingly assumes America is a tinpot country where anyone can found a navy and re-assigns the nationality of one of the Americans who set it up, due to ancestry. At the same time he calls an Englishman ?arrogant? when he suggests footballer Owen Hargreaves is English due to his English mother. Odd.

He might also risk seeing references to 1000s of institutions in America that were founded by Englishmen, or Americans of English decent. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and many of the ?founding fathers? had English ancestry. By Scottish logic, what can England claim from America???

Nowhere can a Scotsman turn to escape the ingenuity of the English and his own highly convenient view of facts.

He could take to drink, but he prefers English gin and real ale to Irish drinks like whisky.

He could take a rifle and end it all, but the rifle, developed from the Spanish musket, was first used in England and the US; and while nobody knows who invented it, the likelihood that it?s English or American of English ancestry (and therefore English by his own logic) is too great.

If he escapes death, he might then find himself on an operating table but the possibility of being sullied by English medical advances is inevitable: blood transfusion, vaccination, general anaesthetic, aspirin, what is he to do?

Out of the anaesthetic, he would find no comfort in learning he was as safe as the Royal Bank of Scotland?oh dear.

Perhaps his only remaining hope would be to get a transfusion of guid English blood which would entitle him to ask ?why was I such an idiot before my English pioneered blood transfusion??

[dmuk]

I just stumbled upon this post. That's some chip on your shoulder Jonah!


And after all of those supposedly English inventions..........


"It is deeply depressing to learn from a recent Sunday Times survey that a group of teenagers who declared themselves proud to be English could not think of any English achievement other than Coronation Street and EastEnders and the national football team."




Oh, and what does make me feel like a "reasonable human being, rather than a Teutonic dancing girl" is the fact that free Scottish services cost English families ?420 a year. There certainly is no escaping the ingenuity of the English ***8211; Not!!

[Miklo]

English shite

Jonah, cg was taking the piss m8 that's why it's in Comedy Central, now get your facts right

Marmalade was originally Greek, done before the Romans.
John Loudon McAdam came back from America with his money (and not funded by English money) so through experimentation, did invent the macadam road surface.

An Englishman invented the hand-stamp but, John Chalmers invented the Adhesive Stamp.

Meucci had no mention of electromagnetic transmission of vocal sound in his caveaty anywhere. He might as well have shouted up or downstairs to get heard.

Yes, we invented cattle. The Welsh might have something to say about that though and God has no say in it!

I'm leaving work shortly so will continue this when I get home

[maca]

You did invent cattle mik we seen your women

[Jim.Mahoney]

No matter the outcome of the vote, I don't think the people of Scotland will ever be independent.

They'll always have dependencies on alcohol, cigarettes and battered chocolate bars.

Courtesy of: Sickipedia.com

[Hoppy01]

No matter the outcome of the vote, I don't think the people of Scotland will ever be independent.

They'll always have dependencies on alcohol, cigarettes and battered chocolate bars.

Courtesy of: Sickipedia.com

That aint no dependency, thats breakfast mate..

A remember selling dish towels with this printed on it from the whisky shop a used to work in years ago..
A found it weird that the Shearings coach parties from England bought them like hot cakes...!

A think the independence debate is doing more harm than good to both countries although it was funny to see Cameron getting flustered by wee King Alec.
We just need to hypnotize Alec and tell him he is leader of the Labour party and send Milliband back to nursery where he can debate with kids who are on the same level as him..

British kids don't have a scoobie of how developed the union is compared to countries where poor means no food, no healthcare and possibly death.
As a Scot i feel the union has given me a good lifestyle whilst all countries in the union miantain their identity..
Some of the people ive talked to who are for Independence, havent really inspired me much.
It takes more than watching Braveheart, singing the first 2 lines of "flower of Scotland" and having no idea of your countries history to convince everyone that breaking up the union is a good idea..

We face tough times in the coming years and to progress we need to stay together, Scotland needs independence like it needs a bag on its hip imo...

After 5 cans and a few halfs a hope this post will make sense in the morning..

[bigminisachin1231]

That aint no dependency, thats breakfast mate..

A remember selling dish towels with this printed on it from the whisky shop a used to work in years ago..
A found it weird that the Shearings coach parties from England bought them like hot cakes...!

A think the independence debate is doing more harm than good to both countries although it was funny to see Cameron getting flustered by wee King Alec.
We just need to hypnotize Alec and tell him he is leader of the Labour party and send Milliband back to nursery where he can debate with kids who are on the same level as him..

British kids don't have a scoobie of how developed the union is compared to countries where poor means no food, no healthcare and possibly death.
As a Scot i feel the union has given me a good lifestyle whilst all countries in the union miantain their identity..
Some of the people ive talked to who are for Independence, havent really inspired me much.
It takes more than watching Braveheart, singing the first 2 lines of "flower of Scotland" and having no idea of your countries history to convince everyone that breaking up the union is a good idea..

We face tough times in the coming years and to progress we need to stay together, Scotland needs independence like it needs a bag on its hip imo...

After 5 cans and a few halfs a hope this post will make sense in the morning..

Makes sense enough to me. Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks better after a few