TECHNICAL SUPPORT
===================
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold
for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your
telephone touch pad, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment
inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the
smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit
at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand
all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event
that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain
from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and
blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only
from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to
enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you
and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you
have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not,
press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your
touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly
losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell
your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will
be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in
its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be
wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If
my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my
computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I
exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred,
last-resort-only telephone
option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I
consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can
probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the
central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you cannot
honestly answer "yes" to all
these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our
overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of
a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and
water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone
receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear
down its internal battery. As a
non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and
so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product
users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us
should any further technical problems arise.
==================================
===================
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold
for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your
telephone touch pad, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment
inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the
smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit
at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand
all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event
that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful for you to refrain
from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and
blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only
from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world.
(Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir)
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to
enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you
and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you
have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not,
press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your
touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly
losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell
your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will
be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in
its entirety)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours
(Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the
technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be
wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions: If
my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my
computer or, alternately, that I have been suddenly struck blind? Have I
exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred,
last-resort-only telephone
option? Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I
consulted my manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can
probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the
central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you cannot
honestly answer "yes" to all
these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our
overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours.
(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the
reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form of
a salamander.)
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and
water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone
receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear
down its internal battery. As a
non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and
so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product
users. Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us
should any further technical problems arise.
==================================