Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
~~~~in thing up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Paddy was driving home, pissed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For ~~~~ sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the ~~~~ you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't ~~~~in breathe".
