Quite topical this week.
As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in
2014.
What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for
2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked,
and is
reproduced below:
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
Castlemilk, in
the traditional dress of Burberry baseball cap and a white shell suit.
The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on
the
roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events
have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and
microwave oven
(one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will
be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences,
Walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw,
sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical
damage
within three attempts.
FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide
the
hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in
Baillieston,
Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who
can
leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target
will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim
at a post
office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice
of either
a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
will take
place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager
while the
wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout
will then
commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed
and
takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip
away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian
rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
underage
drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found
that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please
note
that the Synchronised Swimming event for this
year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples
on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
"Belle &
Sebastian".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that
appears
to be mincing...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Govan Health
in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and
music
by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by
police
riot water cannon following
inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
