Post your funny SMS jokes here

[Celtictiger]

I think it would be a great idea to maintain a thread for your latest funny SMS text received

Here's the funniest I have received lately

Midget women goes to the doctors and says "Doctor I've got an itchy fanny." He lifts up her skirt, gets some scissors & goes snip snip. He asks "Is that better?" "A bit better, but its still itchy doc." So the doctor lifts her skirt up again. Snip snip snip snip. "Is that better?" "Yes" the midget replies "fantastic, what did you do doctor?" The Doctor replies "Cut the fur off the top of your Ugg boots"

[Celtictiger]

Two couples are on holiday. The husband's Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her period so he has got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they'll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the others wife. Paul grins and taps the table twice, looks across at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.


Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried the sense of guilt was overwhelming. But once in a while he would hear a little reassuring voice saying ' Dave don't worry about it, You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last and you're single, let it go' But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering.......... ......'Dave you're a ~~~~in vet'

[Celtictiger]

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 58 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house bloke is thinking mmm! i bet her daughter is hot. When out of the blue she asks if he'd like a 'Sportsman's Double'? "Wots that?" he asks. "It's a Mother & daughter threesome!" he says. "WOW YES PLEASE" So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on & shouts "Mum put your teeth in, he's up for it"!!

[Celtictiger]

I was in a ~~~~o cinema the other day. Just as the feature started the guy behind shouted
"you're disgusting"
at me. I just ignored him Another guy shouted
"you should be ~~~~ing ashamed of yourself"
I turned round said
"we're all here for the same thing, your as bad as me".
When a third called me a "~~~~ing sick bastard"
I said "Right thats it, come on kids we're going home"

[Celtictiger]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and w*nking in front of a Massey Ferguson 135..Mick says '~~~~ing hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor.

[Celtictiger]

Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
"I want a female horth" he said to a dealer, who shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth. Can I thee her eythe?" Dealer picks him up and shows him it's eyes.
"Nithe eyeth. Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts dwarf and shows him her teeth. "Nithe teeth. Can I thee her twot"? He lifts him up, shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls it out a few seconds later.
"I'll reefaze that. Can I thee her wun awound?"

[Celtictiger]

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse"
he mumbles,
"Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown, holds his dick in one hand & his balls in the other,
she takes a close look & says,
"There's nothing wrong with them Sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly,
"Thanks 4 that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully,
"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?

[Celtictiger]

Woman in hospital after having a fanny tuck gets 3 bouquets of flowers 1 from hubby, 1 from the surgeon and 1 from Eric in the burns unit to say thanks for his new ears.

[Celtictiger]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hotdogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some **** in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your arse with your hand
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else
- Your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"

No shit Sherlock!....
....It's not like it could get much ~~~~ing worse!

[Celtictiger]

3 men married wives from different cultures. 1st man married chinese woman, he told her 2 do dishes & house cleaning, it took a few days but on 3rd day he came home 2 see clean house & dishes put away. 2nd man married Italian woman & told her 2 do all cleaning, dishes and cooking. The 1st day he didn't see any results, but by 3rd day he saw house was clean, dishes done & dinner on table. 3rd man married Irish woman & told her 2 clean hse, wash dishes mow lawn, have hot meals on table 3 times a day. 1st day he didn,t see any thing, the 2nd day still couldn,t see anything, but by 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough to fix a sandwich and load dish washer

[Celtictiger]

I bought a yorkie the other day and was eating it beside my wife.She asked me if she could have some. I said,''No.''She says,''Haha, very funny because its not for girls.''I replied,''No, its because you're fat,.''

[Celtictiger]

My girlfriend doesn't like my new aftershave called Chloroform . She says it makes her sleepy and gives her a sore ass.

[Celtictiger]

I braked hard but still hit the car in front. A cute Blonde got out & shouted 'Ram me up the Arse why dont u?'This, your Honour,is where the confusion began. .

[Celtictiger]

Jimmy gives 36 red roses 2 his wife. She's thrilled, undresses, lies down, spreads her leg & says "this is for the roses", Jimmy says"Jesus ! don't we have a vase !!

[Celtictiger]

I recently opened up a Health Clinic in africa...... However it was closed within a day......Apparently "Spades With Aids" was not a suitable name!