What would you do?

[ninja123]

Had bast-heerd taxi driver come in with vectra diesel, clutch burnt out, gets out of rac van and limps over to me.
"how can I help you sir?"
He say you fitted new clutch in my car 11 months ago, and so its under waranteeeee!
I ask for reciept.
he say he never got one due to paying cash (tax avoidance on his part)
he say I have to fix again for free.
I ask for his mileage while i go through records.
Man limps back from car and says 303275 miles
"right then", by my records you have done 34000 miles on that clutch, that will invalidate any waranty known to man.
He reply-"you bastard!", not even lasted a year, I need car to earn money, and i cant walk after operation-got no feeling in my left foot!!!!
He says he taking me to court.
I say ok, just show them your reciept, then go buy an auto, fooooooooook offffffffffffffffffffff.

18 months later, same man comes in with vectra on rac truck, asks for new auto gearbox!!!
guess reply anyone??

[Meat-Head]

18 months later, same man comes in with vectra on rac truck, asks for new auto gearbox!!!
guess reply anyone??

At least he came back!

[PierreTheron]

at the mome nt still friendly Hi

What would you do .

A guy and his wife walks inn , leaVE FRENCH SHIT with you to figure out why it does not run so good

Clio2 1.4 16 valve with seperate idle control valve.

At the moment we friendly moving to big fight ..
Anyway musT Enjoy that""
An hour after she left she phones and if car are ready to collect.
aNOTHER HOUR THE HUBBY PHONES .. IS THE CAR READY ,, THEY REALY NEED IT ..
i TELL THEM THEM TO GO FUJCK THE FRENCH THEY MIGHT E NJOY THAT

You tell her vyou have got cue of same people phoning for the day as you recieved 20 cars with same probl,em ... it might take a month to figure out what is problem.
When you close gate you realise you have got a non runner outside/.
No one to help , so decide to take quik look at spark , what a wake UP SIGNAL..rOTOR NOT LOCATED IN EXACT POSITION.FOIX AND PARK AND PHONE CLIENT , YOU NO SPACE ANYMORE

[Meat-Head]

A guy and his wife walks inn , leaVE FRENCH SHIT with you to figure out why it does not run so good

Clio2 1.4 16 valve with seperate idle control valve.

remove throttle body, drill 1/8" hole try again.
if idles to fast, remove put self tapper in 1/8" hole, drill 1/16" hole

[Meat-Head]

So, back pedal, to a few weeks before Xmas.


Bloke rings up, need my alarm looking at, yeah and so what pal.

In short the O/E remote has packed up, local garage has tried to reprogramme new remote, nil poi.

They have charged him #175, sent him on his way.
He insists we fix it - that particular car we can't do - there is no
dealer for the Pping-Pong Fusso anymore - too old.

So thinking 'easy money' get's the bloke in, sits him in the office with his smelly yappy stupid dawg.

Lies to the bloke - "won't talk to our computer - lie, lie, bullshit, bullshit etc etc". We can send unit away to have them "Byte swap the fofung unit"
The blokes "Yeah mate, i understand perfectly, i know how these things work" - yeah whatever.

So we upload it to this FANTASTIC company - sorry - unable to advertise
or plug due to wanting to plug them at a later date.

The unit gets stuck in post, anyway his new remote is duff, they sort it, no problem.

Plugs unit back in car, nil poi - rings them company who sorted it up, "yeah nothing to do with us, it's properbly the receiver unit behind the flapper valve under the hood" - fantastic that's just saved two hours looking for it.

Get's unit out, faulty - rings 'Robber & Robber' - local parts dept - no out of stock, ~~~~ off.

Tells the punter, give us #275 (pounds) and ~~~~ off - he paid and he went home and located a receiver.

His smelly mate brings it in a few days later "yeah i used to make electronic things, my tv man shop fixed stuff i coulndt get working, yeah resisters are measured in MULTI-FARRADS" Anyway, smelly cnut goes, car comes in, works, sorted.

Customer rings up 1 hour later - is it possable to have a second remote
nil poi what do you say to customer

1) Unit has to go back they have 'altered' the unit
2) Yeah, but its going to be dear?
3) Other?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF ANYBODY IS OFFENDED, PRESS THE REPORT BUTTON

So, Christmas Eve, bloke comes in, we say, look coont we are shutting at 12pm today on the dot. Made sure he knew.

He hands me a leafleat and says "This leaflet is about the true meaning of Christmas" - thanks, just as putting it down noticed it says
"Watch Tower" on the back - that's the name of a local security company here in Meat-City . Anyway, 11:40 rings the coont up, yours cars ready, so are we. He replies "I'm 15 miles away"

Coont turns up, takes his money, do you say:-

1) We have your money, now ~~~~ off?
2) Happy Christmas ?
3) Good bye sir?

I choose number 2 - as far as i'm concerned what's the problem - was never programmed with stuff like that at skool!

__________________________________________________ _____________

So this vechile comes in - non start- had 'everything' fitted - still no start
but this thing SMELLS worse than Litaces 'Dawg & Redbull' airfreshners
it stinks of shit, 3 seconds SERSIOUSLY is too long to be in there.

Your scanner, says "Immo fault" - that vechile/ that fault worth checking
the wiring under dash has not chaffed on the steering colum, but it smells to bad - you also need to check the fuses - inside the dashboard - it stinks REAL bad

What do you do?

__________________________________________________ _____________

So this bloke comes, he has been in before, he DOES *NOT* SPEAK
*ANY* Inglish that is any good.

You have no choice, but to go outside and get him to show you what he wants doing.

This guy is now demonstrating a dead trafficator and pretending to hit it - fine - no problem.

Next fault, some thing about <TURNS STEERING WHEEL> '8 kilometer'
He says this 5 times - what do you do.

1) Start engines, work indicators check self cancelling?
2) grunt and walk off?

As it happens, instantly suss it's the Comms 200 module, but how do you explain that they are 'a pig' to fit and very expensive?

What would you do.


Then the coont comes in a day later to rearrange his booking - had no idea what job was to choose a clear day!

Spoke good enough Inglish to another member of 'Team Meat' - coont.

[vdubman1]

So, back pedal, to a few weeks before Xmas.


Bloke rings up, need my alarm looking at, yeah and so what pal.

In short the O/E remote has packed up, local garage has tried to reprogramme new remote, nil poi.

They have charged him #175, sent him on his way.
He insists we fix it - that particular car we can't do - there is no
dealer for the Pping-Pong Fusso anymore - too old.

So thinking 'easy money' get's the bloke in, sits him in the office with his smelly yappy stupid dawg.

Lies to the bloke - "won't talk to our computer - lie, lie, bullshit, bullshit etc etc". We can send unit away to have them "Byte swap the fofung unit"
The blokes "Yeah mate, i understand perfectly, i know how these things work" - yeah whatever.

So we upload it to this FANTASTIC company - sorry - unable to advertise
or plug due to wanting to plug them at a later date.

The unit gets stuck in post, anyway his new remote is duff, they sort it, no problem.

Plugs unit back in car, nil poi - rings them company who sorted it up, "yeah nothing to do with us, it's properbly the receiver unit behind the flapper valve under the hood" - fantastic that's just saved two hours looking for it.

Get's unit out, faulty - rings 'Robber & Robber' - local parts dept - no out of stock, ~~~~ off.

Tells the punter, give us #275 (pounds) and ~~~~ off - he paid and he went home and located a receiver.

His smelly mate brings it in a few days later "yeah i used to make electronic things, my tv man shop fixed stuff i coulndt get working, yeah resisters are measured in MULTI-FARRADS" Anyway, smelly cnut goes, car comes in, works, sorted.

Customer rings up 1 hour later - is it possable to have a second remote
nil poi what do you say to customer

1) Unit has to go back they have 'altered' the unit
2) Yeah, but its going to be dear?
3) Other?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF ANYBODY IS OFFENDED, PRESS THE REPORT BUTTON

So, Christmas Eve, bloke comes in, we say, look coont we are shutting at 12pm today on the dot. Made sure he knew.

He hands me a leafleat and says "This leaflet is about the true meaning of Christmas" - thanks, just as putting it down noticed it says
"Watch Tower" on the back - that's the name of a local security company here in Meat-City . Anyway, 11:40 rings the coont up, yours cars ready, so are we. He replies "I'm 15 miles away"

Coont turns up, takes his money, do you say:-

1) We have your money, now ~~~~ off?
2) Happy Christmas ?
3) Good bye sir?

I choose number 2 - as far as i'm concerned what's the problem - was never programmed with stuff like that at skool!

__________________________________________________ _____________

So this vechile comes in - non start- had 'everything' fitted - still no start
but this thing SMELLS worse than Litaces 'Dawg & Redbull' airfreshners
it stinks of shit, 3 seconds SERSIOUSLY is too long to be in there.

Your scanner, says "Immo fault" - that vechile/ that fault worth checking
the wiring under dash has not chaffed on the steering colum, but it smells to bad - you also need to check the fuses - inside the dashboard - it stinks REAL bad

What do you do?

__________________________________________________ _____________

So this bloke comes, he has been in before, he DOES *NOT* SPEAK
*ANY* Inglish that is any good.

You have no choice, but to go outside and get him to show you what he wants doing.

This guy is now demonstrating a dead trafficator and pretending to hit it - fine - no problem.

Next fault, some thing about <TURNS STEERING WHEEL> '8 kilometer'
He says this 5 times - what do you do.

1) Start engines, work indicators check self cancelling?
2) grunt and walk off?

As it happens, instantly suss it's the Comms 200 module, but how do you explain that they are 'a pig' to fit and very expensive?

What would you do.


Then the coont comes in a day later to rearrange his booking - had no idea what job was to choose a clear day!

Spoke good enough Inglish to another member of 'Team Meat' - coont.

jeez !!

NPF ALL DAY LONG !!!!!!


let some other sorry ass diagnose and fix !! give me a gravy timing belt job!!!

[Meat-Head]

NPF ALL DAY LONG !!!!!!

????????? a what??

[Meat-Head]

So this plank walks in, with a broken down car, been else where in M/C and it's been to Nelson Mandella - TWICE - now ends up at M-H-M.

So asked the guy full story, wrote it down, checked was the correct story
(INCORRECT) 2nd hand parts, involved in job.

Finds the relevent immo off file on DK THANKS GUYS, cars starts, bigger bill than Nelson gave him, sent on way, perfect.

1/2 hr later, he comes back "It's still doing it" - Doing what, you ponce
"cutting out" - IT CAME IN AS A NON STARTER IMMO FAULT!

Anyway, re-routed ht lead away from wiring, told him to ~~~~ off, not heard of him since.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this bird rings up, on back of tow truck, can we have a look today and fix today (parts depending, yes).

She is as dickable as she sounds, nice name (Amy) not too fat or too thin.
then she says (in bold capital letters "MY BOYFRIEND'S A MECHANIC"
So what is the car doing here?

Anyway

So nice simple car,non start, plugs in, no faults, no problem. Just looking through her glovebox for any photos worth to up loading to w w w i m g s r c (dot) r u . All of a sudden smoke comes pouring out the HT Transformer, had a test one in tool box, plugged in, fired up.

Downloaded another one from GSP.

What reason do you give big bill for:-

1) saying "MY BOYFRIEND'S A MECHANIC"
2) no photos to uplload to above site
3) nice easy job?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So lady taxi driver, not from round here comes in, "my pointer is not moving", turns out speedo needle, first question "does the milage go round"
yes she said, motor in clock, callls www.clusterrepair.chunts, got a price, told customer ~~~~ off comeback friday.

What about speedo till friday, use your satnav "but what about milage?"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So DFM tows vechile in non starter, over the phone suggested that the
"internal residence, vacum gap" has got blocked.

Turned out ecu gone, so we said to DFM we need to post the key with the ecu, coont, need anything out of it?

no, got his keys, that's all.

Due to a postal strike the ecu is delayed coming back, DFM phones up, "in the back is a aadvark and a sloth, if they get a bit maggoty, dump them!" WTF - turns out the owner for a living chases aadvark's and a sloth's out the village. They stunk - what would you do?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this guy comes in with his car, lowered to the deck, want's some 'stylish lights', but to fit them, you need to jack the car up, too low to get on ramp, trolly jack and no o/e jack.

So you ask another team member, to lift the car up to slide jack under, grunt heavel, jack, clunk, great.

You look up to see a MASSIVE ARSE SHAPED DINK IN THE FRONT WING
What do you do?

[Xram]

Had bast-heerd taxi driver come in with vectra diesel, clutch burnt out, gets out of rac van and limps over to me.
"how can I help you sir?"
He say you fitted new clutch in my car 11 months ago, and so its under waranteeeee!
I ask for reciept.
he say he never got one due to paying cash (tax avoidance on his part)
he say I have to fix again for free.
I ask for his mileage while i go through records.
Man limps back from car and says 303275 miles
"right then", by my records you have done 34000 miles on that clutch, that will invalidate any waranty known to man.
He reply-"you bastard!", not even lasted a year, I need car to earn money, and i cant walk after operation-got no feeling in my left foot!!!!
He says he taking me to court.
I say ok, just show them your reciept, then go buy an auto, fooooooooook offffffffffffffffffffff.

18 months later, same man comes in with vectra on rac truck, asks for new auto gearbox!!!
guess reply anyone??

Id have told him to ~~~~ off hes just told you why the clutch is shagged he cant feel his foot hes been sliping it driver error and the mileage. That's one reason I don't do taxis other reason is they all want it done yesterday and for nothing as times are hard business is slow never met a taxi driver with cash always skint even at Xmas but you pass the pub every night whose at the door smoking the sodding local taxi fleet.

[Xram]

1) Jack said piece of Italian trash up skate or wheel trim under it and back to the starter.

2) Tell him bad connection at door lock must have bumped it fitting reg no fee for fix then told boss his new name is sexy hands as everything he touches he fuxs.

3) Tell him you'll need to have a look at it later as he missed his slot and you have another job to do as the customers on his way back for that then soon as hes ~~~~ed off fix it. min 30 min charge.

4) Rag it till its fixed if still doing your head in cut it till its fixed.

5) Shes poped in to town chances are hes ~~~~ed off tell her its running get her back oops its chucked it again sensor must be heating up and getting stiffer offer her a ride home and see whats shes doing tonight. Sod it if you got lucky fix it for low price if you got nowhere with the lesbo bitch let twats at ford do the rest its a pig of a job anyway.

6) Sod him if he cant check his fuses and he thinks your fools then its an electrical pig of a job to trace the broken wire up behind the dash it was.... charge him plenty as if hes got you down as fools then hes probably bad mouthed you round M-H-City and cost you a few customers anyway.

7) Yeah ~~~~ him if hes got the cheek to come back after folding and owing you fix it tell him it'll be a few days on the hope the ripoff coont loses a sale and charge him plenty no credit for new customers he cant argue with that.

8) It aint been PDId then it could have a few marks on it you only went round the block didn't even stop at the shop for a roll or 2 couldn't have been you. Get it dirty so he don't see the nice new chrome body styling.

9) Check to see how much the cars worth (have a pannic that you cant believe that old piece of shits worth that) then claim the insurance thats what its there for.

10) Try a bit of matt black spray on it amazing what that shit hides if not then get it repaired.

Boyfriend slept with a mechanic thats why shes there to see you wants a man with a prop shaft not a half shaft. bill her for a nice easy job make him look a complete tosser for not being able to fix it.

~~~~ him you asked if he needed anything out you weren't to know that postman Pat had to take the day off the get the ~~~~ing cat put down. His car smells his problem only do cars Im not a ~~~~ing taxidermist.

~~~~ing don't ask fat arse for a hand again then get dent guy in tell customer all sorts of lies till its fixed.

[Meat-Head]

Ok, so some bird that looks like Amy Winehouse comes in, you fix her car where she parked it, fine no problem.

she jumps in it, selects reverse thurst and WHAM into the car behind, who is in it.

His mate who is picking him up, bangs on her window and ~~~~s off, what do you do?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So you keep geetting these "goement backed schemce,, clear your debt" calls. Do you screm down the phone

1) "will you ~~~~~ off" ?
2) Get a set of air horns ready, on a remote cable, leave phone next to it and *HONNNNNKKKK*?
3) request, would you be kind enough to remove this number off your database?


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So you have a Vicar in, 4x4 does a fair few miles (one day a week, double time!) - anyway you sell him 4 new tyres - otherwise it will destroy his diff.

Two of the old tyres are good, so you save them, then about a year
later, he gets a nail in the sidewall of one, but they are now worn down, can't fit new tyre will destroy diff, but one of his old tyres will be fine.

do you

1) give his own tyre back?
2) Sell him his own tyre back?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your in the back office, hiding looking at DK, when some ******** walks in, by passes all other team members.

He DEMANDS you look at his car - he shows you the problem, his Inglish is not perfect, but you understand - you know excatly what the problem is, where the faulty part is, but he came in the 'staff only' part of the premises, woul he do that at Tesco.com or MacD?


Do you

1) Spend 5 mins on the car, go to the fault, charge him ?5
OR
2) Check the fuses, plug the diagnostic computer in, look on
Au** D**a, check the location of the part, then after nearly 45 mins
you 'find' the fault, you try to fix the fault, needs new part Nelson Mandella only ?450 - do you then

a) Charge for 1 hour labour and a plug in? total inc VAt ?72

b) Charge ?5 send him on his way.


PLEASE ANSWER TRUTHFULLY!

[Liteace]

1 His mate who is picking him up ???????????????? who's mate picking who up ?????????????????


2 goement backed schemce, 1 "will you ~~~~~ off" ?

3 Vicar in 4x4, 2 Sell him his own tyre back

4 when some ******** walks in, a Charge for 1 hour labour and a plug in? total inc VAt ?72

[Xram]

1. ????????
2. Get the air horn he'll soon take you the ~~~~ off his system anyway.
3. Sell him his back got to pay for the good old storage
4. Strip it tell him hell need to come back serve him right for being a cheeky ***** then charge him ?72 though lasty time i looked on tesco.com I didn't see a staff entrance on there web page

[Meat-Head]

1 His mate who is picking him up ???????????????? who's mate picking who up ?????????????????

1. ????????

though lasty time i looked on tesco.com I didn't see a staff entrance on there web page

sorry, got confusing, bloke pulls up in our yard, whilst he is still in his car Amy Winehouse reverses her fiesta into it, then drives forward.

the friend of the man with damaged door bangs on her window, she just drives off,

[Liteace]

sorry, got confusing, bloke pulls up in our yard, whilst he is still in his car Amy Winehouse reverses her fiesta into it, then drives forward.

the friend of the man with damaged door bangs on her window, she just drives off,

Is that not normal, she probably didn't even know that she'd hit it