An unemployed pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is just strolling around
his home town one lazy afternoon. As he walkes along Main St, occasionally
muttering obseneties to himself, he see's a lounge bar. He stops and reads
the sign in the window

PIANIST WANTED FOR EVENING
PERFORMANCES
apply within


He nervously prepares himself to enter the bar
"Get the f**k in there you w***er" he tells himself.

He enters the bar and see's only a handful of customers. Relieved, he
leans up the bar and gestures the barman to come over
"Oi c**t, get the manager, i wanna see the manager"


"please... you c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager approaches the
pianist "Can I help you sir?" he says

"Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the
filthy fu**ing window and I'm here to audition.....is that ok?."

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end, the thrilled barman cries,
"Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"

The pianist replied "the title of that song is HEY FU**FACE I JUST BEEN
SHAGGING YOUR DAUGHTER he then added "i wrote that one myself"

"Oh" says the shocked manager "could you play another one?" and told the pianist to play something a little less lively!"sure" the pianist replied "you fat, w**king pile of sh*t"

He launches into such a powerful ballad it leaves the manager in tears!
The manager composes himself and asks the pianist what is its title?

"that little number is one i wrote just after leaving school... its titled
"WIPING MY COCK ON YER CURTAINS MRS" the manager is very shocked at this and asks "have you got any songs that have less offensive titles"

The pianist ponders over the question "[I]Well yes i do, now lets think
'Well there's my jazzy number "DID I JUST SPLIT YOUR RINGHOLE?",
[I]or there is my epic called "WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SIT ON MY FACE!"

"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience."



"F*ck Off" says the pianist "Oh Why not?" He thought and decided to give it a go.

On his first night everything is going superbly. The crowd are lapping up his
repertoire. Customers are clapping and the manager keeps smiling and giving
a thumbs up to the new pianist.


The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a gorgeous woman in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts
a proud and inviting cleavage.



During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act.



After the show he goes to the gents to have another tug.
He is still 'adjusting' himself by the bar when the gorgeous
woman approaches "Hi" she says. "Hello" he winces, struggling with his flies. She leans over him, pushing his face up to her
large, pert breasts and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your
huge, throbbin f**k muscle is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"




"Know it????" says the pianist, putting his beer on the bar confidently,



"I f**king wrote it!!!"