A while back, when I was younger, I picked up a date at her parents home.
Id scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu:
Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne.
I asked her Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?
she replied. But my mothers not expecting a blow job tonight.
I said, Enjoy.

My wife has worked as a magicians assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said,Abracadabra! and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the f*ck was going on.

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me? said my late wife.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on her forehead.