MEN!!!!!

[gohoney]

husband finishes reading the book "BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE" and says to the wife "From now on my word is law.You will prepare me a gourmet meal 2nite with a sumptuous dessert.Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that i want.YOU will bathe me as i relax,towel me dry then massage my feet and back. Then 2morrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?"

WIFE says "The f**king funeral director would be my first guess"

[Dreamer]

I like it!!

here's some more for you.

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . They already have boyfriends.


@berley It's your turn next

[gohoney]

men

dreamer i like them

[Lanxman]

Im shocked at you dreamer, shocked!!

[berley]

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

[caveman_nige]

the girls are having a play.....

[Dreamer]

the girls are having a play.....

We never said you could play with us kv

[gohoney]

men

these are getting better

[caveman_nige]

Ok sweety will leave you to play, you know how much i like to play though, buy hey ho, you know what they say, sex is alright but its not as good as the real thing.

[Dreamer]

Ok sweety will leave you to play, you know how much i like to play though, buy hey ho, you know what they say, sex is alright but its not as good as the real thing.

kv you can stay and play if you want its your turn to post the antimen jokes though

[aftermath]

for dreamer and berley

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

[aftermath]

On the other hand, what about woman ?

The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[caveman_nige]

excellent

[aftermath]

Woman !!!!

Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

[gohoney]

men!!!!

you men can be more bitchy then us women