Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye aye Sir"
Nelson: "Hold on, thats not what i dictated to flags, what's the meaning of this"?
Hardy: "Sorry sir"
Nelson: (reading out loud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty,regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation,religious persuasion or disability" - "What gobbledygook is this hardy"?
Hardy: "Admiralty policy i'm afraid sir" we're an equal opportunities employer now sir! we had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist"
Nelson: "Gadzooks Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments"
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration, let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral, it's part of the government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy, i suppose we'd better get on with it then........"Full speed ahead".
Hardy: "I think you'll find sir, that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water"
Nelson: "Damn it man! we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. report from the crow's nest please"
Hardy: "That won't be possible i'm afraid sir"
Nelson: "What" ?
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest sir, no harness, and they said rope ladders don't meet regulations. they won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected"
Nelson: "Then summon the ship's carpenter immediately and without delay Hardy"
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Aadmiral"
Nelson: "Wheelchair access ? iv'e never heard anything so absurd"
Hardy: "Health and safety again sir, We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently-abled"
Nelson: "Differently-abled ? iv'e only one arm and one eye and i refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disabled card"
Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The royal navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"
Helson: "Whatever next ? give me full speed, the salt spray beckons"
Hardy: "A couple of problems there as well sir, Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. and they don't want anyone breathing in salt. -Have you not seen the adverts ?"
Nelson: "Iv'e never heard such infamy. break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"
Nelson: "What ? this is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. it's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. there are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchie's and the Spanish ?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not. ? why ?
Hardy: "Sir, the French and Spanish are our European partners now, according to the common fisheries policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. we could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil himself"
Hardy: "I would'nt let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. you'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy that speaks ill of your king"
Hardy: "Not anymore sir, we must be inclusive and non-judgemental in this multicultural age. now put on your kevlar vest, it may save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me, - Health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"
Hardy: "As i explained sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."
Nelson: "In that case,..........Kiss me, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye aye Sir"
Nelson: "Hold on, thats not what i dictated to flags, what's the meaning of this"?
Hardy: "Sorry sir"
Nelson: (reading out loud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty,regardless of race, gender,sexual orientation,religious persuasion or disability" - "What gobbledygook is this hardy"?
Hardy: "Admiralty policy i'm afraid sir" we're an equal opportunities employer now sir! we had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist"
Nelson: "Gadzooks Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments"
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration, let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral, it's part of the government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy, i suppose we'd better get on with it then........"Full speed ahead".
Hardy: "I think you'll find sir, that there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water"
Nelson: "Damn it man! we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. report from the crow's nest please"
Hardy: "That won't be possible i'm afraid sir"
Nelson: "What" ?
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest sir, no harness, and they said rope ladders don't meet regulations. they won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected"
Nelson: "Then summon the ship's carpenter immediately and without delay Hardy"
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Aadmiral"
Nelson: "Wheelchair access ? iv'e never heard anything so absurd"
Hardy: "Health and safety again sir, We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently-abled"
Nelson: "Differently-abled ? iv'e only one arm and one eye and i refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disabled card"
Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The royal navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"
Helson: "Whatever next ? give me full speed, the salt spray beckons"
Hardy: "A couple of problems there as well sir, Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. and they don't want anyone breathing in salt. -Have you not seen the adverts ?"
Nelson: "Iv'e never heard such infamy. break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral"
Nelson: "What ? this is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. it's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. there are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchie's and the Spanish ?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not. ? why ?
Hardy: "Sir, the French and Spanish are our European partners now, according to the common fisheries policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. we could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil himself"
Hardy: "I would'nt let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. you'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy that speaks ill of your king"
Hardy: "Not anymore sir, we must be inclusive and non-judgemental in this multicultural age. now put on your kevlar vest, it may save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me, - Health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"
Hardy: "As i explained sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."
Nelson: "In that case,..........Kiss me, Hardy."
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