My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening
..Self-raising?"
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
My favourite..........
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Zachary Disease a very serious condition:
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a Date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. So she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist,so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said,
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
to sleep at night.
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening
..Self-raising?"
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
of our family holidays in Customs.
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
My favourite..........
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Zachary Disease a very serious condition:
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a Date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. So she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist,so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said,
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Comment