Scouser Jokes

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There are 26 million people in the UK who support Liverpool. Taxpayers.

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Just a quick message to all you scousers out there on the Forum; Return the computer and turn yourself in.

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Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter. "What are you doing here?" he asks. "We've got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss." So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died. A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They've gone." "Gone? What, all the Scousers?" queries God. "No, the Gates," replies St Peter.

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My Grandad from Liverpool doesn't think he'll ever see his beloved Reds win the title again in his lifetime. "Don't think like that Grandad," I said, "You're still only 28."

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I just had a go at the Liverpool version of Monopoly. It's just like regular Monopoly except every space reads: Go to Jail.

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I came out a pub in Liverpool the other night and was approached by a hooker. "Fancy a shag?" she asked. "I only have a fiver," I said. She replied, "it's okay, I have change."

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I walked into a corner shop In Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked, "How much is this love?" She said, "You're not from round here are you?"

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I coughed up a bit of phlegm and sneezed at the same time. Then a scouser appeared and said "Not bad mate, how are you?"

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Most Scousers can trace their family tree back at least 15 generations. All the way back to 1980.

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A scouser started working at my office this morning. It's about time - he's been here two ****ing years.

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Police have cordoned off an area in Croxteth after sightings of an unidentified, never seen before, circular object. Turns out it's a tax disc

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Scousers take everything seriously. No seriously, they take everything.

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My wife's scouse friend is staying with us at the moment. She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground." I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS."

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Gerrard: "Liverpool is a magical place." Probably explains why so much stuff disappears there...

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Ferrari's Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the ****er to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard's bird getting shagged up the arse.