Scouser Jokes

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Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car". Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

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In my Biology test today one of the questions asked me to name something you'd find in a cell. A Scouser

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Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. F@@king typical, all the windows are boarded up and some coonts nicked all the f@@king chocolate.

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What do you call a virgin from Liverpool? An only child.

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What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.

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A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

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A young lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool top is.

"I washed it and it's drying on the line."

The young lad rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud.

"Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?"

His mum looks out of the window and shouts, "The thieving gits have nicked the pegs again!"

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A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not my brother! He's from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "and what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew."

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Stephen Hawking has neuro-muscular dystrophy. Despite being unable to speak and being confined to a wheelchair, he's written multiple scientific papers, several books on the subjects of applied mathematics, theoretical physics and cosmology. He even found time to write a couple of children's books. He's experienced zero gravity on NASA's "Vomit comet". He even received the OBE for his work. He did all this while he held a full time job as a Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University.
He's achieved so much DESPITE his crippling illness...

So how is it that the scouser that lives next door to me is able to play football every weekend but is STILL too ill to get a ****ing job?

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I told a knock-knock joke to a room full of scousers last night.

Nobody heard the punchline, they were all too busy flushing their gear down the toilets.

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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand

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I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss Liverpool."

So I smashed the window and stole the radio.

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When Scousers want to get their kids a trampoline, which website do they look at first?

Google Maps.

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Why do Scousers have two left feet?

Because shoe-shops don't put the right ones out on display.

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Black men prefer big, banging ghetto blasters. White men favour a more classy, sleek, silver surround sound systems. Scousers are fond of nicked car radios.

I just can't help stereo-typing people.