Scouser Jokes

[aftermath]

How the hell did the authoritites expect a 13 year old scouser to be able to understand the warning signs which read "DANGER - OVERHEAD CABLES - RISK OF DEATH"?

Surely a sign reading "YOOS WIL BEA EELCTRACUUTD IF YOOS CUM IN HEAR XXX" would have been more appropriate?

[aftermath]

Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Brendon Rogers says they should fit in well with Liverpool's style.
Their names?
Nikamota and Robatelli.

[aftermath]

Apparently there has been a massive increase in theft and violent crime in South Africa during the world cup.

OTHER NEWS: Liverpool records its lowest crime rate in decades

[aftermath]

Knockoff Adidas tracksuit: ?9.99
Black facepaint: ?1.99
Length of electrical cable from B&Q: ?3.49
Fake Scouse Accent: Free

Walking around Liverpool in this year's 'most shocking' Halloween costume: Priceless

[aftermath]

Liverpool.

The only place in the world where the Ann Summers shop has a Back to School section.

[aftermath]

While walking through town this morning, some cheeky get asked me, "Sir, would you like to donate twenty pounds to save an endangered species."

I replied, "This is Liverpool mate. The twenty pound note is an endangered species."

[aftermath]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 18 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over towards the Scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.

"I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replies, "something about a job."

[aftermath]

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool

Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?

Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

[aftermath]

My heavily pregnant girlfriend turned up to a fancy dress, dressed as a school girl.
My mate asked, "What's she come as?"
I replied, "A Scouser by the looks of it."

[aftermath]

Everybody is raving about, 'The only way is Essex.'
Personally I prefer, 'The only way is Liverpool...'

Or Crimewatch as it's better known.

[aftermath]

There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a ****ing sander.

[aftermath]

"It has been a terrible year and I'm fed up of supporting Liverpool,"

...said the Benefits Agency.

[aftermath]

I saw a scouser walking down the road with a sign saying, "& Emergency" tucked under his arm.

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

He said, "I found it by Accident."

[aftermath]

I asked a guy, "Where are you from?"
He replied, "Liverpool".
I said, "Sorry...".
He repeated, "...Liverpool".

"No, I heard you," I said, "I'm just sorry."

[aftermath]

You can tell Liverpool is a shit-hole. I just drove past a house on one of the council estates with a big banner hanging from the window, it read; "HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY GRANDMA".