Scouser Jokes

[aftermath]

A Scouse lad started work in our office.

Our boss called him over and told him to pick up a package using the pool car.

As the Scouse started running down the stairs the boss called him back.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" said the boss, holding up the car keys.

The Scouse looks at them and says, "What the **** are they?"

[aftermath]

I said to my mate, "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave."

He said, "Did you fall in love with the place?"

I said, "No, I had my car stolen."

[aftermath]

Outside of the killings and Gun crime, Liverpool has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

[aftermath]

Two scousers are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we ****!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."

[aftermath]

I was walking through Liverpool today when I was stopped by a young kid outside the newsagents.

"Can you buy me some cigarettes please?" he asked.

"Sorry mate, no," I replied.

"Come on," he said, "They're not for me, they're for my dad."

"Well, why can't the lazy coont get them himself?" I asked.

"He's not 18 until February," came the reply.

[aftermath]

Have you heard the news about Liverpools bid for a Mr Messi?

Apparently if that goes well they'll put bids in for Mr Bump and Mr Happy as well.

[aftermath]

I asked my Scouse mate why he only spent three quid on his mum for Mother's Day.

"That's all she had in her purse," he said.

[aftermath]

Note to all Scousers - There's only 370 shoplifting days 'til Christmas.

[aftermath]

Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to Liverpool was "Totally ****ing undeserved!".

[aftermath]

What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

[aftermath]

What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.

[aftermath]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

[aftermath]

A Scouser was due for release from prison a week later & was writing to his mother.

"How d'ya spell Wendy?" he inquired of his cell-mate.
"W.E.N.D.Y." was the prompt reply.

A couple of minutes later, Scouse was struggling again. "How d'ya spell 'Darrell?'" was the question.
"D.A.R.R.E.L.L." his cell-mate helpfully responded.

A short while longer, the letter was finished:


Dear Mam,

Wendy let me out I need some new trainers. Can you get me a pair Darrell fit?

Love,
Scouse.

[aftermath]

I tried drinking from a Liverpool FC mug yesterday, but it was impossible.

It kept sliding down the table.

[aftermath]

It must have been cold for the match at Anfield on saturday, i saw 40 000 scousers with their hands in their own pockets..! It has been announced that the whole Liverpool squad have planted potatoes in the Anfield pitch so as they have something to lift at the end of the season..!