1 wish

[mtv1]

A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ***.
''Why do you have a cork up your ***?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No sh*t!'''

[mtv1]

dad and son

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

[mtv1]

rejection

0. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)
10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.
6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.
5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.
2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.
1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

[mtv1]

"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

[mtv1]

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

[mtv1]

grandpa

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.

His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"

His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

[mtv1]

one for gazza

Before you leave your house...
1. Put on a little too much cologne.
2. Before you leave home, fill your pockets with mints. When your date says something to you when she's really close, give her a mint. EX: Girl - ''This movie sure is romantic.'' Guy - ''Here's a mint, now what did you say?''
When you go to pick her up:
1. When you get to her door, don't knock or ring the doorbell, just go on in. She's expecting you.
2. Call her parents by their first names.
3. If she asks you how she looks, and her parents are nearby, tell her she looks sexy.
4. When introducing yourself to her parents, tell them that you prefer to go by your gang name.
5. Always look nice when you meet the parents. wear a new Marlboro jacket and be sure to tell them how many Marlboro bucks it took to get it. Parents smile upon a man that can save his Marlboro money.
6. Show respect. Take your Fubu cap and matching coat off when you enter the house. Make sure you wear your cap and coat in the summer too. If her parents ask why, tell them that you're ''keepin' it real.''
On the way to wherever:
1. Do NOT let her touch the radio or the air conditioner. You are the man, make sure she knows that.
2. If she makes up for lost time by putting on her lipstick in the car, gently tap the brakes at the same time the lipstick touches her mouth.
3. Check out the girl in the other car while at the stoplight.
4. If you pick the girl up from home at 6:45, have someone call you on the cell phone at 7:00 and talk to them till you get to your destination, this way you won't have to worry about what to say to her.
5. Drive ten miles BELOW the speed limit.
6. Develop a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression and talk to her through it.
When you arrive at your destination:
1. If you go to the movies, flirt with the girl at the ticket counter.
2. If you go to a restaurant, say you're really hungry. Let her order first. Since you'll be eating heavy, she'll probably order a big meal, too. When she finishes, order a small coke and a box of McDonaldland cookies.
3. If you get nervous, just pretend that she's one of your guy friends. At the end of the meal, say ''Boy, you ate everything but the table.'' Say it with confidence.
4. Be classy. If you eat at McDonald's, leave a tip.
On the way back to her house: Take your cell phone and call another girl. Ask her to do something with you in about an hour.

[mtv1]

hot dog

Two drunks realize that they are sobering up and only have 1.25 between them. So, they buy a hot dog from a hot dog stand and go into the next bar.

They do shot after shot until the bartender demands that they pay up. The drunk with the hot dog opens his zipper and puts it through the opening. The other drunk gets down and starts sucking on it. The bartender throws them out.

The drunks go to several bars with this routine until they are beyond drunk.

"Man," one of the drunks says, "that hot dog trick worked great."

"Actually," the second drunk says, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar."

[mtv1]

another blonde one

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

"'What about the other ear and your hand?"

"I tried to call for an ambulance."

[mtv1]

one for zap

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.
"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

[zaphodbb]

A biker had been injured in an accident and was hospitalized. Several nurses each had the opportunity to give him a sponge bath and were commenting on his genitals. They all had noticed a tattoo of the word ''Little." So they drew straws to see who would find out what the whole tattoo said. The nurse with the shortest straw went into the guy's room while the others waited in the hall. Suddenly, they heard a commotion, then moans of passion and a piercing scream. Finally, she came out of the room with her skirt up around her waist, her panties around one ankle and a contented smile on her face. The others ask her what she found out.
"It says 'Little Rock Arkansas, Big Dick Champion, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997 and 1998!'''

nice 1 yea ok it was me, little rock arkansas yeeeeeeeha

[mtv1]

virus

I tried to go on the Internet. I figured, you gotta be safe there, can't run into any problems on the Internet. I went on one of them sex sites, you know; I wanna see what the big deal is. I went to bigboobs.com 'cause that's what I like. The chick was sitting there with the icon, you know, right by her stuff. It was like, 'You wanna see my wet kitty? Click here.' So, I wanna see the kitty. But I'm about to open it up, and my friend was like, 'No, don't open it up! She might have a virus!' I was like, 'Damn. Here, too?'

[mtv1]

pussywillow

One day ole Boudreax was going out in his boat. Ole Pedro ask boudreax, ''What ya got in that boat there?"
Boudreax replied, "I got Duct tape."
"What ya gonna do with duct tape?" he asked.
Boudreax replied, "Gonna catch me some ducks.''

Sure enough that afternoon, his boat was full of ducks. The next week ole Boudreax went out and Pedro said, "Hey Boudreax what ya got in the boat there?" He told him he had crab grass.
"What ya gonna do with crab grass?" asked Pedro.
"Gonna catch me some crabs," said Boudreax.
"You can't catch crabs with crab grass," said pedro.

But sure enough that afternoon he had the boat full of crabs. The next week ole Boudreaux went out and Perdo asked, "Hey, what you got in the boat?"
Boudreaux said, "Got me some Pussywillow."
Pedro says, "Hold on man, I'm getting my hat and coming with ya."

[mtv1]

laundry

There once was a woman who had a boyfriend that came to supper frequently. She had children, so when they talked about sex they refered to hers as the washing machine and his as the laundry. They all sat down to supper and he asked her if he could do his laundry in her washer. She said that her washer was broken and he would have to wait. So after supper he went home.
The following night they all sat down to supper and he asked her again if he could do his laundry in her washer. She said her washing machine was still broke down and he would have to wait. So, after supper, he went home with an attitude. Now this went on for a week and he was aggravated by her broken washing machine -- though she really did want to do his laundry.
Finally the washer was fixed and she couldn't wait untill her boyfriend came over for supper. He arrived and they sat down for supper. He was enjoying his meal while she awaited that longed-for question. He finished his meal and went to leave when she said to him, ''My washer is fixed, do you need to do your laundry?''
''I want to do your laundry!'' He replied, '' No, it was a small load, I did it by hand.''

[mtv1]

fruit

There were three men who got stranded on an island. A group of cannibals found the three men and took them to their place in the tropical rainforest of an island.
The cannibals told the three men to go in the rainforest and find ten of the same fruits each. So the three of them went into the woods to get fruits. An hour later they all came back.
The first man brought ten apples.
The Cannibals told the man to push all the apples up his ass with out crying, if he did not cry, the cannibals would let him go. The man pushed five up his ass then cried. The cannibals ate him.
The second man brought ten berries. The Cannibals told him to push all the berries up his ass without laughing, and if he didn't laugh, they would let him go. The man pushed nine up his ass then laughed. The cannibals ate him.
Up in heaven the first man asked the second man, "Why did you laugh, you were so close!"
The second man says, '' I couldn't help it, the next guy came with ten pineapples. ''