Subject: Airplane stuff
That magic Oz humour!
*Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.** **
* *
*After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.*
*The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.*
*Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.*
* **
*By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an accident.** *
* **
* *
*P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.*
*S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.*
* *
*P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.*
*S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.*
* *
*P: Something loose in cockpit.*
*S: Something tightened in cockpit.*
* *
*P: Dead bugs on windshield.*
*S: Live bugs on back-order.*
* *
*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.*
*S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.*
* *
*P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.*
*S: Evidence removed.*
* *
*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.*
*S: DME volume set to more believable level.*
* *
*P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.*
*S: That's what friction locks are for.*
* *
*P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.*
*S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.*
* *
*P: Suspected crack in windshield.*
*S: Suspect you're right.*
* *
*P: Number 3 engine missing.*
*S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.*
* *
*P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)*
*S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.*
* *
*P: Target radar hums.*
*S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.*
* *
*P: Mouse in cockpit.*
*S: Cat installed.*
* *
*And the best one for last..................*
*P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.*
*S: Took hammer away from midget.**
That magic Oz humour!
*Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one, but never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor.** **
* *
*After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.*
*The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.*
*Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.*
* **
*By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an accident.** *
* **
* *
*P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.*
*S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.*
* *
*P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.*
*S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.*
* *
*P: Something loose in cockpit.*
*S: Something tightened in cockpit.*
* *
*P: Dead bugs on windshield.*
*S: Live bugs on back-order.*
* *
*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.*
*S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.*
* *
*P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.*
*S: Evidence removed.*
* *
*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.*
*S: DME volume set to more believable level.*
* *
*P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.*
*S: That's what friction locks are for.*
* *
*P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.*
*S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.*
* *
*P: Suspected crack in windshield.*
*S: Suspect you're right.*
* *
*P: Number 3 engine missing.*
*S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.*
* *
*P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)*
*S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.*
* *
*P: Target radar hums.*
*S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.*
* *
*P: Mouse in cockpit.*
*S: Cat installed.*
* *
*And the best one for last..................*
*P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.*
*S: Took hammer away from midget.**
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