Sky TV Scotland

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Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast

Here's a selection of the listed programmes:

Sky Wan

9am News and whair it's pishin doon

9.30am How claty is yer hoose?
This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish

10am The Mags Hainey Show
Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whair's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?"

12.30pm News and whair it's pishin doon

1pm Neeburs
Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife. This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake

2pm Film
Angels wi Manky Coupons

4pm Tam the Tank Engine
Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits

4.15pm Boab the Builder
Reality show where Boab is investigated by Building Standards and the Inland Revenue

6pm News and whair it's pishin doon

7pm Doaktir Whae
In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver

7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney ****ers
Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk

9pm Fitba Player's Burds
Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin podgered, bawdeep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie

10pm News and whair it's pishin doon

12.30am Merrit Wi Weans
Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' In this week's episode, Al sits in front o' the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole

1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green
The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra to rob the off-licence.

2.15am Close Doon

[jasbo7]

awayanbileyerhied it will ne'er tak aff

[CHRISTOF]

i wonder how many of our southern brothers will understand?

[Allen1]

i wonder how many of our southern brothers will understand?

After growing up with oor wullie and his bucket, a lot of that makes sense ye ken! Well what do you expect from a poor geordie

[CHRISTOF]

at least u didnt hit out with ach jing's krivens help ma boab