Not sure if some of these have been posted before...
-----------------------------
Irish burial at sea...
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.
'Hand me da shovel.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zookeeper says to Paddy
"The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it.
Would you consider shagging it for ?5OO?"
Paddy replies
"I will on three conditions,
1. My family wont find out,
2. I dont have to kiss it,
3. I need a couple of weeks to get the money together" !!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:
Artery.... The study of paintings
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria..
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..............What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome .
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog..
Coma............A punctuation mark
Dilate....................To live long..
Enema....................Not a friend.
Fester...........Quicker than someone else.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fibula......................A small lie.
Impotent..................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...................A higher offer.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it..
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis........................Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum....................Nearly killed him.
Secretion.................Hiding something.
Seizure.....Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...................One plus one more.
Urine.....................Opposite of you're out.
2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where do you think you are going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------
Paddy's getting mugged by 4 blokes he puts up a great fight, but in the end, 3 of them hold him down & the 4th goes through his pockets.
All he had was 40p. The muggers said "U put up that fight for just 40p
- y did u bother?" Paddy said "I taut u was afta the ?500 I've got hidden in me shoe."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Englishman meets paddy in a pub, the telly is on and the evening news is covering the story of a guy about to jump off a high rise block. I bet you ?20 he'll jump, says the Englishman, I bet ?20 he wont says paddy... With that, the guy jumps and paddy, mortified hands over his money. I cant accept your money says the Englishman, I saw that earlier on the lunchtime news. So did I, says paddy but I didn't think he'd ****ing do it again!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 irish men are on holiday in florida camping in the everglades. They see a alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to mick and says bejesus would you look at that flash bastard in the lacoste sleeping bag!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy caught his wife shaggin the neighbour so decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says "dont laugh u're ****in next."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy finds a Sandwich with 2 Red wires stickin out of it, He phones the police & says 'Bejesus, i've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb' The operator asks, 'Is it Tickin?' Paddy says, 'No,i tink it's Beef'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor went fishing one afternoon and not wanting to close his Surgery, left his Assistant "Murphy' in charge.
The Doctor came back and asked Murphy, "how did you get on?" Murphy says, "i had 3 patients. The 1st had a headache so I give her Paracetamol."
"Good man" says the Doc.
"The 2nd had indigestion, so i gave her Gaviscon."
"Well done." said the Doc.
"The 3rd was a young gorgeous Woman who burst into the room, took off all her clothes and lay down on the table, spreads her legs and shouts "Please please help me, i haven't seen a Man in 5 years...!"
"Mother of ****, Murphy! What did you do?" asks the Doctor. . . . . .
Murphy says "i gave her Eyedrops!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the irish man has just got his second question right on who wants to be a millionaire and is now on 200 pounds. Heres the 3rd
question: Who was the great train robber? Was it RONNIE Biggs RONNIE Barker or RONNIE Parker? Paddy says "well chris ive had a lovely time and im going to take the ?200". Chris says "are you stupid? you have all your life lines left". Paddy says "i might be stupid but im not a grass".
------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced it will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy charges into the benefits off?ce ."I've been ringing 0800 1730 for 2 days now . Why the **** doesn't anybody answer !" .Girl replies . "Those are our opening times you daft C*nt !
------------------------
--- Ian ---
-----------------------------
Irish burial at sea...
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.
'Hand me da shovel.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zookeeper says to Paddy
"The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it.
Would you consider shagging it for ?5OO?"
Paddy replies
"I will on three conditions,
1. My family wont find out,
2. I dont have to kiss it,
3. I need a couple of weeks to get the money together" !!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:
Artery.... The study of paintings
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria..
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign..............What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome .
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................A sheep dog..
Coma............A punctuation mark
Dilate....................To live long..
Enema....................Not a friend.
Fester...........Quicker than someone else.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fibula......................A small lie.
Impotent..................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid...................A higher offer.
Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it..
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pelvis........................Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum....................Nearly killed him.
Secretion.................Hiding something.
Seizure.....Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour...................One plus one more.
Urine.....................Opposite of you're out.
2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where do you think you are going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------
Paddy's getting mugged by 4 blokes he puts up a great fight, but in the end, 3 of them hold him down & the 4th goes through his pockets.
All he had was 40p. The muggers said "U put up that fight for just 40p
- y did u bother?" Paddy said "I taut u was afta the ?500 I've got hidden in me shoe."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Englishman meets paddy in a pub, the telly is on and the evening news is covering the story of a guy about to jump off a high rise block. I bet you ?20 he'll jump, says the Englishman, I bet ?20 he wont says paddy... With that, the guy jumps and paddy, mortified hands over his money. I cant accept your money says the Englishman, I saw that earlier on the lunchtime news. So did I, says paddy but I didn't think he'd ****ing do it again!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 irish men are on holiday in florida camping in the everglades. They see a alligator under a tree with a mans head and arms sticking out of its mouth. Paddy turns to mick and says bejesus would you look at that flash bastard in the lacoste sleeping bag!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy caught his wife shaggin the neighbour so decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says "dont laugh u're ****in next."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy finds a Sandwich with 2 Red wires stickin out of it, He phones the police & says 'Bejesus, i've found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb' The operator asks, 'Is it Tickin?' Paddy says, 'No,i tink it's Beef'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor went fishing one afternoon and not wanting to close his Surgery, left his Assistant "Murphy' in charge.
The Doctor came back and asked Murphy, "how did you get on?" Murphy says, "i had 3 patients. The 1st had a headache so I give her Paracetamol."
"Good man" says the Doc.
"The 2nd had indigestion, so i gave her Gaviscon."
"Well done." said the Doc.
"The 3rd was a young gorgeous Woman who burst into the room, took off all her clothes and lay down on the table, spreads her legs and shouts "Please please help me, i haven't seen a Man in 5 years...!"
"Mother of ****, Murphy! What did you do?" asks the Doctor. . . . . .
Murphy says "i gave her Eyedrops!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the irish man has just got his second question right on who wants to be a millionaire and is now on 200 pounds. Heres the 3rd
question: Who was the great train robber? Was it RONNIE Biggs RONNIE Barker or RONNIE Parker? Paddy says "well chris ive had a lovely time and im going to take the ?200". Chris says "are you stupid? you have all your life lines left". Paddy says "i might be stupid but im not a grass".
------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced it will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy charges into the benefits off?ce ."I've been ringing 0800 1730 for 2 days now . Why the **** doesn't anybody answer !" .Girl replies . "Those are our opening times you daft C*nt !
------------------------
--- Ian ---
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