:D

[mtv1]

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in their rockers. The old man reached over and grab his wife's breast and said, ''If these produced milk, we could get rid of the cow.'' Then he reached down and grabbed between her legs and said, ''If this was a little warmer, we wouldn't need the furnace.'' The old woman reached over and grabbed his dick and said, ''If this was a little harder, I wouldn't need your brother.''

[mtv1]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.''
The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.''
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.''
The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.''
The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.''

[mtv1]

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for awhile it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The doctor asks her, “Well, what can I do for you madam?” The patient blushes and the doctor sees that appearantly she is embarrased so he says, “You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.”
So the patient says, “My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?”
“Sure,” the doctor says, “It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual. Please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.”
The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits untill the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand, and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?” shouts the patient.
“Nothing,” says the doctor, “I'm just going to open the roof window a little.

[mtv1]

A guy is at a urinal in a public restroom when a hunchback walks in and stands next to him. He glances over and sees that the hunchback has a gigantic penis.

The guy says, "Man, if I had a d**k that big, I would be sucking it all day."

The hunchback replies, "How do you think I got to be a hunchback?"

[mtv1]

Violence Awareness Day this week -- anyone celebrating that? I don't even know who knows about that day. Does anyone, like, carry that out? Like, come home: 'Yo, Tina! Hey! I thought I told you to clean these pans, girl! I would smack you if it wasn't Violence Awareness Day! You wait until 12:01!'