Crotchless Knickers

[Celtictiger]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life..
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ?. Enough times till her husband says?.
?Are you wearing crotchless knickers??
?Y-e-s", she answers with a seductive smile.
?Thank Christ for that? he said,
?I thought the stuffing was coming out of that chair.?




Husband says to wife, "Fancy doing a bit of roleplay tonight"?
Wife says "Yeah,what you wanna do"?
Husband, says "How about I pretend to be a rapist & you be the victim"
Wife screams,...... NO way
Husband says that's the spirit

[Celtictiger]

A scouser bloke walks into his dole office and says,i really hate claiming benefits, id rather have a job ! The girl behind the desk says, great timing, a very wealthy old man needs a chauffeur and bodyguard 4 his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter . Ull have 2 drive his new mercedes, he'll supply all ur clothes and ur meals as ull b working long hrs. U'll b expected 2 escort her on her overseas hols and satisfy her sexual urges. U'll have a 2 bedroom flat and a starting salary of €200k. Guy composes himself and says your bullshitting me, she replies "you f*cking started it"

[maca]

A scouser bloke walks into his dole office and says,i really hate claiming benefits, id rather have a job ! The girl behind the desk says, great timing, a very wealthy old man needs a chauffeur and bodyguard 4 his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter . Ull have 2 drive his new mercedes, he'll supply all ur clothes and ur meals as ull b working long hrs. U'll b expected 2 escort her on her overseas hols and satisfy her sexual urges. U'll have a 2 bedroom flat and a starting salary of ?200k. Guy composes himself and says your bullshitting me, she replies "you ****ing started it"

havent laughed as much since i seen the last old firm derby

[Celtictiger]

Whats the difference between a fanny and a kebab? ....,One has meat hanging out both sides, stinks and u only eat it when ur pissed. The other is a Greek delicacy....


Guy goes 2 the Doc's & says "Doc I've got a Sex problem." the Doc asks "What's up?" so the guy says "Well first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour session before work." the Doc nods & is about 2 speak when the guy says "That's not all, on the train 2 work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I do her." "I see" says the Doc. "No U don't, cos then at work I've gotta do my female boss just 2 keep my job. My secretary so she won't blab about me doing the boss, the waitress at the local restaurant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home & then my wife the minute I get in the door." quite taken aback the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem?", "Well" says the guy "It hurts when I w*nk."

[Celtictiger]

Mad Mary was whizzing round the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by crazy Carl. 'licence please' said Carl. Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into loony Leon. 'insurance please' said Leon. Off zoomed Mary again until she was stopped by donkey Dave, naked with a eight inch hard on. 'Oh no' cried Mary, 'not the breathlyser again!

[mickyboy]

now

havent laughed as much since i seen the last old firm derby

now now maca

[Celtictiger]

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Paddy on a bus when a young blonde starts breastfeeding her baby 'come on drink up or i'll give it to that man over there' ten minutes later she's still trying to feed the baby and says 'come on or mummy will give it to that man over there' paddy looks over and says 'for f@ck sake missus, will you make your f@cking mind up, I should've got off 3 stops ago!'

[Celtictiger]

Mr Smith phones surgery for wifes test results. Receptionist says sorry, we have 2 sets of results for Mrs Smiths and they have got mixed up. One has ALZHEIMERS the other has AIDS. The husband says oh dear what shall i do. ? The receptionist says when she gets home drop her off in the center of town and if she finds her way home. DONT RIDE HER.

[Celtictiger]

I was depressed last nite so i called lifeline. Got a F@ckin call centre in Afghanistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Celtictiger]

The Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about..'
The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'
The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'
The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

[Celtictiger]

Two pikeys get married. On the wedding night, she says 'I've never had sex. Please be gentle.' The groom goes outside to phone his father. 'She's a virgin, Dad, What'll i do?' The father says 'Come home, lad, if she's not good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for you!'


A Pikey takes his wife to the Doctor. She has teeth missing, black eyes & multiple bruising. The Doctor asks "what happened..?" The Pikey replies "she is going through the 'change' boss" The Doctor says "women don't normally look like that when they go through the change" The Pikey replies "They do when they go through the change in my pocket..!!"

[Celtictiger]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Buckingham Palace and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

[Celtictiger]

Wayne Rooneys.......

Wayne Rooney comes home to his wife one day and with a loving smile says 'John Terry told me that he slept with every England players wife except one...' Colleen replies 'i bet it was posh spice,the stuck-up cow...'