Happy St. Patricks Day!!!
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
------------------------------------------
O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off:
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
------------------------------------------
Texan Visits Galway:
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. I enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
-----------------------------------------
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'
-------------------------------------------
Paddy was shaving when he knocked the mirror off the shelf and it fell to the floor and it cracked across the middle. Paddy gazed in horror. 'Bejabbers, I've cut my throat,' he gasped.
------------------------------------------
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
----------------------------------
Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
-----------------------------------
'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
---------------------------------
Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
----------------------------------
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
--------------------------------
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
---------------------------------
Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'
----------------------------
----------------------------
How Many Ducks?
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy
'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'
'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.
------------------------------------
Irishmen Flying High:
Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'
'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy,' don't do that, we'll fall out.'
'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'
-------------------------------
Father O'Connor - Irish Tale from Cork:
Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'
Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.
The Reverend Father goes the the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'
The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'
-----------------------------
These short jokes capture the best of Irish humour. They are even funnier if you read them out loud, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick Irish brogue:
'Ah, good morning, Mrs Irwin, and how is everything?'
'Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.'
------------------------------
'Shay, do you understand French,?'
'To be sure, I do if it's spoken in Irish.'
-------------------------------
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted.
Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job.'
---------------------------------
'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
---------------------------------
'I'll have fish and chips twice,' announced O'Driscoll.
'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'
'Then they'd better be fat,' suggested O'Driscoll.
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one.'
---------------------------------
Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week.
They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Immediately Mrs Kearney realised that a young man was about to propose to his beloved.
Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 'Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.'
Kearney replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.'
-------------------------------------
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
--------------------------------
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
-----------------------------
-----------------------------
Catholic Dog:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think ?*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
---------------------------------------------
Paddy Counts His Rabbits:
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
------------------------------------------
I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, 'You're a happy man.'
He said, 'I am.'
I said, 'Why?'
'Well,' he said, 'the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.'
'Thank God,' he said, 'I won't be hearing from them again.'
----------------------------------------
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
-----------------------------------
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
-----------------------------------------
---------------------------------------
Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.'
'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
----------------------------------------
An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
------------------------------
An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
-----------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
----------------------------
'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
--------------------------
Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners:
Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
----------------------------
----------------------------
Have a Great St. Patricks Day!!!
--------------------------
--- Ian ---
------------------------------------------
O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off:
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
------------------------------------------
Texan Visits Galway:
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. I enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
-----------------------------------------
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said 'I wonder how deep that well is?'
O'Brien said, 'There's one way we could figure it out'.
Murphy says, 'What's that?'
O'Brien says, 'We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well'.
Murphy says, ' What are you going to drop down it?' Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, 'One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... '
SPLASH!!!!
Murphy said, 'Three seconds!'
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!'
'288 feet!', Murphy said. 'Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep'.
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, 'LOOK OUT!!' and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well.
Murphy said, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and said, 'What's going on here boys?'
O'Brien says, 'We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Murphy says, 'How do you know it wasn't?'
And the farmer says, 'Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'
-------------------------------------------
Paddy was shaving when he knocked the mirror off the shelf and it fell to the floor and it cracked across the middle. Paddy gazed in horror. 'Bejabbers, I've cut my throat,' he gasped.
------------------------------------------
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
----------------------------------
Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
-----------------------------------
'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
---------------------------------
Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
----------------------------------
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
--------------------------------
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
---------------------------------
Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'
----------------------------
----------------------------
How Many Ducks?
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his back
'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy
'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy
'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'
'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.
------------------------------------
Irishmen Flying High:
Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'
'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy,' don't do that, we'll fall out.'
'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'
-------------------------------
Father O'Connor - Irish Tale from Cork:
Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'
Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.
The Reverend Father goes the the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'
The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'
-----------------------------
These short jokes capture the best of Irish humour. They are even funnier if you read them out loud, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick Irish brogue:
'Ah, good morning, Mrs Irwin, and how is everything?'
'Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.'
------------------------------
'Shay, do you understand French,?'
'To be sure, I do if it's spoken in Irish.'
-------------------------------
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted.
Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job.'
---------------------------------
'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
---------------------------------
'I'll have fish and chips twice,' announced O'Driscoll.
'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'
'Then they'd better be fat,' suggested O'Driscoll.
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one.'
---------------------------------
Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week.
They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Immediately Mrs Kearney realised that a young man was about to propose to his beloved.
Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 'Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.'
Kearney replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.'
-------------------------------------
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
--------------------------------
The Doctor was puzzled 'I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink.'
'Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober.' said O' Flaherty.
-----------------------------
-----------------------------
Catholic Dog:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think ?*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
---------------------------------------------
Paddy Counts His Rabbits:
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
------------------------------------------
I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, 'You're a happy man.'
He said, 'I am.'
I said, 'Why?'
'Well,' he said, 'the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.'
'Thank God,' he said, 'I won't be hearing from them again.'
----------------------------------------
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
-----------------------------------
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
-----------------------------------------
---------------------------------------
Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.'
'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget. 'I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
----------------------------------------
An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
------------------------------
An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
-----------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
----------------------------
'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
--------------------------
Examples of a Funny Irish One-Liners:
Where were you going when I saw you coming back?
I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
----------------------------
----------------------------
Have a Great St. Patricks Day!!!
--------------------------
--- Ian ---
m8, that's the main thing... 
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