A Few Jokes (Some Adult)

[satsmo]

I hated weddings 'cos all the old dears would poke me & say "your next" They stopped that when I began doing the same to them at funerals!!

Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr says ' Give him 2 Viagra', Nurse says ' Do you think that will help?',Dr replies 'No but it will keep the sheets off his leg

Two doctors having sex,he said you must be a surgeon you washed your hands before and after !! she said you must be an anaesthetist cos I didn't feel a thing!!!!

Two crisps were walking along the road and a car pulled up and asked if they wanted a lift and they said no thanks we are walkers!

Two tramps eating out of a dustbin outside a circumcision clinic, one turns to the other & says " what you make of these crispy onion rings?"

Two old codgers decided to try and have sex. She says "I have to warn you I have got acute angina."
"That's good", he said, "cos you've got lousy tits!"

Husband says to wife when they wake up "do you fancy making love or a coffee?" she replies "surprise me cos they are both instant!"

Bloke runs into the doctors naked and says doctor doctor I think I'm going mental doctor says i can see your nuts.

Old lady goes to dentist and drops knickers-dentist says I'm not a gynaecologist-old lady says I know I want you to take my husbands teeth out.!!!!!

How do you get a 80 year granny to shout fcuk, get another one to shout bingo.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT........ they started crying & headed home.

A Woman comes home to find her man blow drying his cock.She says "What the hell are you doing?" he answers,"Heating up your dinner."!!!!!!

Man & woman in very dark woods making love.Man says "I wish I had a torch" woman says "so do I,you've been licking the grass for the last 10 minutes"

The man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died age 93. Hardest part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started!!

[oldeno]

I find this one is funniest.

A Woman comes home to find her man blow drying his cock.She says "What the hell are you doing?" he answers,"Heating up your dinner."!!!!!!

[darkapec]

I find this one is funniest.

me too, funny stuff

[jasbo7]

Two old codgers decided to try and have sex. She says "I have to warn you I have got acute angina."
"That's good", he said, "cos you've got lousy tits!"

naw this 1's the best

[mestelle]

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

[pantomime horse]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

No IDEA

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

still no idea

what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

still no f*ckin idea