Scottish Mate

[DogdySnigwirter]

My Scottish mate was up in court earlier today for apparently getting caught shagging his cat.

The case was dismissed because the judge refused to believe that a Scotsman would put anything into a kitty !

[jimthejock]

Scottish Mate

have you heard the saying that if brains were dynamite you wouldnt have enough to blow your nose

[stuckylad]

A bloke walks into a brothel and says " I am feeling a bit kinky how much for total humiliation and beating"..................

The madam replied ?37.50.

He replied "WOW, what do I get for that"?

She replied "An original England soccer shirt".

[manxspud]

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."

[manxspud]

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

[manxspud]

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[manxspud]

Did you hear about the motorist on a tour of Scotland who went into a garage and asked them to fit his car with a set of Mull of Kin tyres?

[manxspud]

A little scottish boy ran into his house and breathlessly said to his father, 'Dad, I ran all the way home behind a bus and saved 50 pence.'
His dad replied, 'You could have saved more that that. If you had run home behind a taxi, you could have saved ?2.50'

[manxspud]

Hamish: "Do you know what's the difference between you and a vending machine?"
Jimmy: "No?"
Hamish: "You can get a drink out of a vending machine."


CLICK HERE

Porky Pig - Thats All Folks Theme Song

[manxspud]

i lied ... here is a good old manx joke :

PAul Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Isle of Man, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from the Isle of Man are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely," Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next to them.


I call them 'English'"....

[racin-snake]

two englishmen open a shop in argyle st glasgow
while waiting on the stock delivery they had the door open
and one of the englishmen said to the other

"i bet you 20 quid there will be someone come in and ask what were selling"

sure enough a few minutes goes by and a glaswiegian pops his head round the open door

and asks "hey mate whit ye sellin in here"

the englishman scarcasticaly replied
"were selling arseholes"

without batting an eye the wee wiedgy replies
"well yer dain well for yer first day ONLY TWO LEFT ! "