The Worst Films Ever But You Should Watch Them Anyway

[zaphodbb]

i had a yearly ticket to the cinema, so for a year i essentialy lived in the place, i watched a few gems that made my eyes bleed and my mind turn into angel delight.

Oldjoy:
The premise sounded good, two highschool friends meet up after years of living seperate lives and go for a hike in the woods.

What i expected:
a male bonding movie, with a little roadtrip thrown in, i was aiming for something like "zen and the art of motorcycle maintainance" philosophical "where did life go so wrong" type drama.

What i got:
A male bonding movie that went hard gay like 75% into the film, bareass men in a forrest hotspring with the worst kind of brokeback overtones. i never even saw it comming, it just crept up then BAM, BAREBACK LUMBERJACKS. my friend who saw it with me has never to this day forgiven me and now questions my motives for taking him to watch it.
all camping/hiking trips from that day effectively got shitcanned, i live in fear of what goes on in the woods.

Gokudo kyofu dai-genkijo: Gozu
this is one of the best and worst movies ive ever seen, i have no idea what the premise was but a lot of film student types spend hours afterwards discussing it.

i had no expectations of this japanese subtitle flick and this in retrospect was good.
it was like a david lynch movie, completely surreal and i guess you really needed to wtch it back to front and sideways to figure out what was going on.

Started strong, usual yakuza antics, then strangeness occured, a man with flaky skin, wierd silent hill hometown nonsense, culminating in the main character crawling out of a womans vagina..???? only in japanese cinema.

Graveyard of the fireflies
Studio Ghibli make nice happy obscure japanese anime movies (spirited away, my neighbor totoro, panda go panda!)
so when i was out on a date and she mentioned she loved anime i figured this would be perfect.

What i expected:
Simple colorful happy tales of a boy during the bombing runs on Japan circa ww2

What i got:
SUCIDAL, this move has no redeeming features in terms of happiness, from the opening titles to the very end you will litteraly be in complete dispair, its been known to bring even the stone cold hardest of men to crying little 6yr old girls.

Shit blows up, his mom gets horrificaly burnt, he gets sent to live with his evil aunt who refuses to feed them whilst his mother promptly dies from a burn infection, spends the reest of the movie caring for his sister enduring hell before it climaxes with his sister dying from dysentry or something.
not a dry eye in the house.

Date did not go well :/ Ghibli got me good.

i watch absoloutly anything, ive seen some things that have been forgoton for reasons of personal safety, desperately trying to unsee. but hey youve got to watch the garbage to appreciate the good stuff.

hey chroma i like your style m8, i went to a movie in the seventys called orinoko (no not the womble) its Japanese for "the hole" course thot it was ~~~~ but no it was bout jap women killing blokes an shuffin them down a hole... bummer m8

[Mr Pumpy]

The original War of the Worlds is a fantastic film, and really good for when it was made.

There are loads of 50's b movie horror films that are complete rubbish, so rubbish that they are very watchable. The Ed Wood film "plan 9 from outer space" being one of the most famous.
Ofcoarse we think a lot of the old films are crap just because the special effects are not like they are now.
I like the Ray Harryhausen films, the effects are very dated but great films.
One of my all time favourites is "Them".

[RedSpider]

I agree. Harryhausen is a legend. I still find the giant statue in Jason & The Argonauts to be scary.
And the dust up between the monster and the elephant in 20 million miles from earth is absolute class.

[RedSpider]

this c thomas howell character seems to make a living by starring in low budget copies of popular films
ie
in pre production atm is "the illuminati" angels and demons anyone?
"the day the earth stopped" had to chuckle when i saw that
"the davinci treasure"
I for one am making it my mission to have these films as back up for the big budget alternatives

i am currently downloading day the earth stopped. it looks a million times better than that keanu reeves sh1te

[RedSpider]

THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED

This is another low budget rip off of a blockbuster remake from the Asylum film company. It's when you watch these film that you realise how they came up with the name 'Asylum'.
Last night, it was my misfortune to watch this absolute bag of sh1t.
I watched it deliberately and, somehow, watched it all the way through.
Where do I begin? I'm going to give you the entire film.

Hundreds of massive robots land on earth and just stand around in the major cities of the world.
A government taskforce, which is comprised of a bunch of dickheads, a 12 year old boy and C.Thomas Howell, sets up shop in a warehouse where there is a pointless bloke-needing-a-piss scene.
Meanwhile a spacepod crashes in the woods. the pod contains an alien man and woman, both naked, who for some reason or another become seperated.
The taskforce shows up and captures the male after he has take out half a dozen men using magic. Yeah, magic.
The taskforce then assume that there must be another alien, what they base this assumption on is unclear.
Anyway, still en route to the scene is Howell and his boyfriend. They find the female alien tarting down the road, give her a coat and take her with them.
Once there, she then does the magic thing and is promptly shot and captured. The aliens are then taken to a low security warehouse for questioning but they ain't talking.
Later on the woman learns to talk after reading Howells mind. She starts by repeating exactly what he is thinking. Apparently he thinks the bint looks like Angelina Jolie. Maybe he's blind or using a comparison of the way she likes to tart about with her tits out.
She warns that earth poses a threat to other planets with its weaponry and that they are to be destroyed unless Howell can prove to her the meaning of humanity.
He's got until the end of the day to do this otherwise the earth will be destroyed which we later learn will includethe stopping of the earths core.
Meanwhile, the miltary are having a go at these robots with missiles. Cue the worst scene of a fighter pilot supposedly in his cockpit. Missiles useless. planes destroyed.
Then the woman uses her magic again and stops all things in the world that depend on electricity including cars leading me to question the purpose of the robots if she can do this.
Anyway, with the power out Howell helps her to escape and takes her to his car. The car don't work though because she's knackered everything up.
Howells commanding officer shows up to stop them escaping, aiming his gun at Howell. Tart magics the car into life and they drive off without any opposition from the c/o.
As they drive around with Howell racking his brain as to how he can prove the meaning of humanity, they are carjacked. The carjacker says something along the lines of "there's aliens all over the world and you've got the only working car, blah blah blah". Reiterating that this car s the only car in the world that is working.
After he's fcked offf with the car and Howell and the tart are walking down the road, behind them another car drives past. Yes, another working car.
Later on, Howell see's his car that was just jacked and pulls out his gun and goes to get it back. It turns out that it's not his car but a similar one driven by his boyfriend. They run and hide.
Their pursuers catch up with them and Howell kills 2 of them and smacks his boyfriend with a truck door. A brilliant way yo prove that humans are every bit as bad as the aliens think they are.
During this scene another car drives past outside.
Howell and the tart then get into the car and fck off again. Down the road a bit, they come across a couple in the road who need to go to the hospial as the woman is in labour.
En route to hospital, Howells boyfiend shows up again in another working car. They manage to escape to a warehouse where the baby is born. Howell uses the miracle of life to prove the meaning of humanity. The mother dies and the tart magics her back to life. slowly.
job done. now to get her back to her spaceship. She gets shot and Howell has to carry her there. Then he gets shot and they both die on the ground at the feet of one of these robots. robot vapourises the bloke who shot Howell. Then the male aliens magically appears and brings Howell and the tart back to life. The male alien features at various points n the film but this is the only real purpose of him being in it at all.
The aliens beam up into the robot and they all fck off.

That's the film in all its glory.
I watch these films so you don't have to

[Krypton]

THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED

It

it....what?
it good?
it bad?

[MetalKettle]

it....what?
it good?
it bad?

Or it just damn ugly

[Krypton]

THE DAY THE EARTH STOPPED

It

's Monty Pythons Flying Circusss

[firemouth]

I think "Attack of the killer Tomatoes" is up there with the worst. maybe "Silent Running" too.

[RedSpider]

Dollman . Starring Tim Thomerson
A tale of an intergalactic bounty hunter named Brick who pursues his quarry, a floating head, to earth.
Normal sized on his own planet, on earth he is just a foot tall.
As Brick arrives on earth he 'rescues' some tramp woman from a gang. His tiny gun wields the same power as a full-sized gun. Wow.
I say 'rescued' because this gang was supposedly beating up the tramp girl but it was more like she was beating them up.
Brick is helped by the tramp and her son while the big bad head is helped by the gang from which the tramp was 'rescued'.
Early on in their alliance the tiny floating head, who has a tiny bomb that will send everything within 3 parsecs to another dimension forever, is squashed by the gangs leader who then takes the bomb.
So long main baddy, hello gimpy second rate gang leader.
The gang manage to kidnap the tramp prompting dollman to jump through a window pane and catch the bumper of the getaway car which he clings to until they reach their base, a field of rubble.
Dollman shoots at them. They shoot at dollman. He ducks. Ducks because these fckwits are that good an aim and can hit a 12 inch man who's running about in the distance.
Dollman shoots his way through the bad guys until he gets to their leader who sets off the bomb which, apart from a shitty lightshow, does nothing.
The End. Hurrah.

[forntida]

Dollman . Starring Tim Thomerson
A tale of an intergalactic bounty hunter named Brick who pursues his quarry, a floating head, to earth.
Normal sized on his own planet, on earth he is just a foot tall.
As Brick arrives on earth he 'rescues' some tramp woman from a gang. His tiny gun wields the same power as a full-sized gun. Wow.
I say 'rescued' because this gang was supposedly beating up the tramp girl but it was more like she was beating them up.
Brick is helped by the tramp and her son while the big bad head is helped by the gang from which the tramp was 'rescued'.
Early on in their alliance the tiny floating head, who has a tiny bomb that will send everything within 3 parsecs to another dimension forever, is squashed by the gangs leader who then takes the bomb.
So long main baddy, hello gimpy second rate gang leader.
The gang manage to kidnap the tramp prompting dollman to jump through a window pane and catch the bumper of the getaway car which he clings to until they reach their base, a field of rubble.
Dollman shoots at them. They shoot at dollman. He ducks. Ducks because these fckwits are that good an aim and can hit a 12 inch man who's running about in the distance.
Dollman shoots his way through the bad guys until he gets to their leader who sets off the bomb which, apart from a shitty lightshow, does nothing.
The End. Hurrah.

I'm going to publish the football results before the 'Match Of The Day', bloody spoilsport.

[forntida]

The original War of the Worlds is a fantastic film, and really good for when it was made.

There are loads of 50's b movie horror films that are complete rubbish, so rubbish that they are very watchable. The Ed Wood film "plan 9 from outer space" being one of the most famous.
Ofcoarse we think a lot of the old films are crap just because the special effects are not like they are now.
I like the Ray Harryhausen films, the effects are very dated but great films.
One of my all time favourites is "Them".

I remember Jungle Jim(Johnny Weissmuller). The jungle natives were white from the waist down.

[chroma]

I think "Attack of the killer Tomatoes" is up there with the worst. maybe "Silent Running" too.

INFADEL!!!!!!
Silent Running was more awesome than your mind can encompass.
Anyone who didnt cry when the robot died is a heartless bastard

Huey, Dewey and Lewey where awesome.
YOU CANT BLOW UP MY FOREST!

[Mr Pumpy]

Watched a classic last night.

Barbarella

Truly fantastic, and Jane Fonda was also truly gorgeous.

[zaphodbb]

Watched a classic last night.

Barbarella

Truly fantastic, and Jane Fonda was also truly gorgeous.

that was ~~~~ for me wen i was a lad, and the orgasm machine classy