Help on writing/ editing my personal statement plzz

[nature]

can Someone on here have a read of a personal statement for uni! and suggest ideas to improve it and maybe add some fancy lingo in it . Writing has never been my strong points (well anything fancy anyway) .

Thanks

[chroma]

you've not posted your version...

You do of course realise hat uni requires a LOT of writing? dissertations will become the bane of our existence.

[nature]

yes that's all under cover

this is it:

Having a great opportunity to visit different countries around the world at a young age has inspired and fascinated me by the works of architects. Looking at famous monuments; traditional and modern, has increased my desire to explore the world of architecture. I was intrigued by the Palm Island in Dubai, in its nature and in its complexity. I aspire to travel the world and expand my knowledge about design and want to be a successful architect.
I have always been artistic and imaginative since a very young age, this ambition led me to study a diploma in Interior designs for which I gained a distinction in year one. During this course I have had the chance to enhance a number of skills. I was able to see that paying attention to minute details was the key to obtain perfect designs for my portfolio. Other skills such as good organisation and effective time management has been demonstrated by me by ensuring all my courseworks were handed in within the deadlines. This has enabled me to cope with immense pressure thus taught me how to prioritise tasks. My portfolio and coursework expressed my creativeness and my artistic skills therefore allowed me to make the important decision to study architecture. An architecture course would require the use of different softwares to help bring ideas to life hence me using ArchiCAD to create 3D effects to develop and show the full complexity of my ideas. I have also used Photoshop to enhance the images used in my work to show the innovation in my design making my ideas unique. I believe I have the stepping stones for a course in architecture.
Working in different environments in order to expand the skills I already have has allowed me to understand the working world. I undertook work experience in a dentist, giving me an insight to what a patient and dentist relationship is renovating my communication and intrapersonal skills. I have also worked for a local computer shop; I was able to successfully transfer my knowledge from my interior design course in order to create effective promotional leaflets. I used my imagination to ensure the promotional posters attracted customers and increased sales thus making them eye catching. Whilst making these posters I had to come up with exceptional and distinctive ideas to make the leaflets and posters innovative.
For the Haiti earthequake I created posters to increase awareness of the event that was taking place within the community. I engaged with people to persuade them to donate money, illustrating my communication skills. As a hobby, I design henna patterns. These patterns involve modern and traditional designs. I have been able to collide different cultures into my designs to make them exceptional and creative. As well as English, I can speak different European languages including French and german. I have had the opportunity to experience various cultures and believe. I believe traditions are an important aspect for architecture. I mentored children in year five. Here, I had the chance to gain their trust in order for them to talk to me with ease. I had the responsibility to ensure that the students were safe when with me. I was able to advance my listening skills to a great extent.
I was always intrigued by creative designs and experiences have allowed me to amplify my fascination and now I to want to be part of the architectural world. I am a hardworking individual, who is motivated to succeed in my goals, which is to become a successful architect. I have a deep interest and passion for culture and tradition. I would like to go to university for the chance to express my innovative ideas. I thrive on challenges and want to do well in my future.

[chroma]

looks ok on the whole, a few points though.

Intrapersonal is inflected self monologue, like thinking to ones self.
Interpersonal is actively communicating with a dialogue between two people.

hence me using seems loose too, id change it to something like "Motivated me to learn how to effectively use." or similar.

Renovating conjures up images of sledge-hammering wall partitions down with me, id alter it to developing, but its a valid use of the word on the whole.

collide different cultures into my designs to incorporate.

Screw it...

From a young age I've always had a strong interest in architecture. Having been fortunate enough to travel to different countries, seeing structures in their native habitat whilst experiencing the interplay of local society, history, climate and culture that developed them has only further ignited my passion.

Looking at famous monuments; both traditional and modern, has increased my desire to explore the world of architecture. I was intrigued by the ***8216;Palm Island***8217; in Dubai, awed by its nature and in its complexity.

Its my intent to one day travel the world further increasing my experience and knowledge on the subject. Visiting Barcelona to experience firsthand the works of Antoni Gaudi for example or The Temple of Heaven in Beijing and marvel at the use of Tangent and Radial Trussing long before Isaac Newton was even born.

I have always been artistic and imaginative since a very young age, coupled with an ambition which has led me to study a diploma in Interior designs, from which I gained a distinction in year one. During this course I have had the chance to enhance a number of skills. I was able to see that paying attention to minute details was the key to obtain perfect designs for my portfolio. Other skills such as good organisation and effective time management have been consistently demonstrated, by ensuring all my coursework always met deadlines.
This has taught me how to effectively prioritise tasks and cope with immense pressure.

My portfolio and coursework always express my creativeness and my artistic skills, and brought me to the decision to study architecture. I understand an architecture course would require the use of different software to help bring ideas to life, this has motivated me to learn to effectively utilise ArchiCAD to create 3D effects to further develop and fully display the full complexity of my ideas.
I also have a working knowledge of Photoshop, having used it previously to enhance images used in my work to illustrate the innovation in my design and make my ideas unique. I believe I have an adequate foundation for a course in architecture.

Working in different environments in order to expand the skills I already posses has imbued me with an understanding into the working world. I undertook work experience in a dental practice, giving me an insight to what a patient and dentist relationship is reinforcing and further developing my communication and interpersonal skills.
I have also worked for a local computer shop; I was able to successfully transfer my knowledge from my interior design course in order to create effective promotional leaflets. I used my creativity and combined skills to ensure the promotional posters attracted customers and increased sales. Whilst working on this problem I had to come up with exceptional and distinctive ideas to make the leaflets and posters innovative.

For the Haiti earthquake I created posters to increase awareness of the event that was taking place within the community. I engaged with people to persuade them to donate money, illustrating my communication skills. As a hobby, I design henna patterns. These patterns involve modern and traditional designs. I have been able to incorporate different cultures into my designs to make them creative and unique.

I'm multilingual; as well as English, I can speak different European languages including French and German. I have had the opportunity to experience various cultures and I firmly believe traditions play an important aspect for architecture.

I mentored children in year five. Here, I was tasked with building relationships by gaining their trust and respect in order for them to talk to me with ease. I was given the responsibility to ensure that the students were safe when with me. This gave me cause to fully utilise and further hone my listening skills.

I was always intrigued by creative designs and my experiences have only served to amplify my fascination and now I to want to be part of the architectural world. I am a hardworking and self driven individual, who is motivated to succeed in my goals, which is to become a successful architect. I have a deep interest and passion for culture and tradition. I would like to attend university for the chance to express my innovative ideas. I thrive on challenges and want to do well in my future.

Just a rough edit, it could still use structural work but ive been awake for far too long and my rum has run out

[nature]

THANKYOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH FOR THAT!!!!!

I really, really, really apreciate that!! That statement looks exactly how I wanted it to be! Must admit you have great writing skills

Thankyouuuu again for giving up your spare time in doing it for me!!! I hope you caught up on your sleep. thanks thanks thanks!!

[stuckylad]

another addition to your fan club chroma?

[Grizz]

Chroma, im thinking of applying for the Head Job in the ESB in Ireland,(E750k PA) any chance you could write my CV?

[chroma]

LOL its just writing people, and its not that great. For instance I've been unable to sleep because of the blatant redundancy in the statement "I have always been artistic and imaginative since a very young age"

Its sloppy, and irksome, (and has nothing whatsoever to do wth the rum induced bender ive been on since Christmas...)

"Since a very young age ive found myself to be artistic and imaginative."

"I've always believed myself to be an imaginative and artistic individual."

Either one fits without the redundancy of double referencing time.
Then there's the structure, its out of alignment. A paragraph should make a statement and convey something before flowing into the next, in the case here things are conveyed, they move on and then revolve back before moving on again, kind of like driving a car by rapidly dipping the clutch and revving like a maniac every few minutes before popping the clutch back, it feels jerky and doesnt seem to flow as well as id like.

Then again I'm entirely shitfaced at this point and the forecast is looking like more alcohol is inbound!

[Grizz]

Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

[bubblem8]

Personal Statement Help

There are tips on the Ucas website. I think the Guardian or the Times also has advice pages. Failing that; Google "help with personal statement" and choose very carefully. Use the websites that end in ac.uk as they are academic institutions and can give you an idea of what and not to include. Good luck, they are not easy to write.