January 2nd, 2010, 5:22 PM
Press Release: Union Negotiations
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day
strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda
management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death
will be reduced in January from 72 to only 60. The rationale
for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately
balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told
the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death
in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed
out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the
workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone
was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir.
"And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al
Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for
the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are not
accepting the realities of modern-day jihad in a competitive
marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but
I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by
claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.
"How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete
with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch
proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright.
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend,
suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most
branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch,
which has a different union, is likely to continue working.
However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-
down explosives in order to express solidarity with their
striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent
and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not
affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".
.
.
.
Press Release: Union Negotiations
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day
strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are
entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda
management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death
will be reduced in January from 72 to only 60. The rationale
for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the
afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of
Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement
that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately
balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told
the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death
in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed
out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the
workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone
was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir.
"And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al
Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for
the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are not
accepting the realities of modern-day jihad in a competitive
marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but
I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be
able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by
claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.
"How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete
with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch
proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright.
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend,
suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most
branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch,
which has a different union, is likely to continue working.
However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-
down explosives in order to express solidarity with their
striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent
and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not
affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas
anyway".
.
.
.
good one m8 
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