Post your funny SMS jokes here

[Celtictiger]

A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sittin next to him was readin a book titled
''Strange but true sexual facts''.
"Interesting?'' he asks.
''Yes'' she replies, ''For instance, did u know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world & a Irishman has the thickest?
Oh, I'm sorry" she continued,
''My name's Helen & yours?" ...
''Tonto Murphy"

[Celtictiger]

Man goes to Doctor and says
`Doctor you`ll probably think I`m mad but I can hear a voice inside me in the stomach area.
`Oh yeah` says the Doctor `And what is the voice saying`
Man says`The voice is saying-I`m gonna hurt you- I`m gonna cause you real pain- You`re gonna bleed inside-I`m gonna put you in hospital`.
Doctor says `It sounds like a threatening appendix`

[mcity]

Husband and wife out drinking an he's drunk. 'i love you' says husband. Is that you talking or the drink? says wife. Me talking To the drink says husband.

[Celtictiger]

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" the shop keepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level, and says"do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?" the little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "i dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc"

[Celtictiger]

Whats the difference between a fanny and a kebab? ....,One has meat hanging out both sides, stinks and u only eat it when ur pissed. The other is a Greek delicacy....

[Celtictiger]

My girlfriend got sick of all the bullying so she finally took a razor to herself to end it all.

It worked. The namecalling stopped since she got rid of the moustache.

[Celtictiger]

A Pikey takes his wife to the Doctor. She has teeth missing, black eyes & multiple bruising. The Doctor asks "what happened..?" The Pikey replies "she is going through the 'change' boss" The Doctor says "women don't normally look like that when they go through the change" The Pikey replies "They do when they go through the change in my pocket..!!"

[Celtictiger]

A scouser bloke walks into his dole office and says,i really hate claiming benefits, i'd rather have a job ! The girl behind the desk says, great timing, a very wealthy old man needs a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter . You'll have to drive his new mercedes, he'll supply all your clothes and your meals as you will be working long hours. You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holidays and satisfy her sexual urges. You will have a two bedroom flat and a starting salary of 200k. Guy composes himself and says your bullshitting me, she replies "you ~~~~ing started it"

[Celtictiger]

What do 54,000 uk women who suffer domestic violence every year have in common?
They don't f*cking listen.

[Celtictiger]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "is the ~~~~ channel in my room disabled?" no its just regular ~~~~ you sick bastard."

[Celtictiger]

A husband and wife were celebrating there 50th anniversary,,They were discussing how they should celebrate there big evening,,when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as there wedding night,eating at the dinner table naked. The wife agreed,Later that night at the table the wife said, 'Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. The husband replied, That's because they're sitting in your soup,

[Celtictiger]

Husband says to wife, "Fancy doing a bit of roleplay tonight"?
Wife says "Yeah,what you wanna do"?
Husband, says "How about I pretend to be a rapist & you be the victim"
Wife screams,...... NO way
Husband says that's the spirit

[Celtictiger]

I met the girl of my dreams in the park the other night. There was an instant spark between us, and she fell at my feet. As we lay there making love I thought, "This tazer gun was money well spent".

[Celtictiger]

My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist... He used to stick his finger up my arse and tell me not to say anything.

[Celtictiger]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams "you promised you would'nt cheat again." The husband replies "for ~~~~sake can't you see i'm cutting down!"