dick heads thread-whats the daft things u have done

[gmb45]

I sold a moped, Yammy Fizzy, to this lad.
while I had it, the kick start was shagged, the splines were worn out, I used to bump it off, and it was a dodgy starter at the best of times.
Anyway, just before I sold it i mangled a kickstart on, and tightened it as best I could, knowing full well it wouldnt last long. Sold the bike, jobs a good un.
About 2 weeks later, I sees this lad, Rodger with his arm in a sling and he says 'Your a ****ing conman'
'what you on about' I said
'That bike you sold me, kickstart fell off, so i had to bump it off...
it wasnt starting, then all of a sudden did... '
'Dragged me down the road and i fell and got my arm ran over by a car'
ooops... sorry Rodger!!

remember the fizzes well m8 especially when i fell off it

[aftermath]

I remember when i first started work in Gateshead.
We used this cleaning fluid that was lethal near a flame.
so one day i decided to borrow some of this from work, and on the way to the bus station, which was about a mile away, we had to cross a very busy road ( felling bypass) if anyone has heard of it.
Well it was nearly impossible to cross this road in peak hour traffic. so i decided to dodge the cars to half way stage and pour the cleaning fluid as i ran across, when i got to the middle i lit the cleaning fluid and a wall of fire about 3 foot high shot across the road.
Causing mayhem with the traffic.

Thats was half way, now for the other half of the busy road, ...Yes you guessed it...i did the same on the other side and caused the traffic to be at a stanstill.

It was funny at the time being a young lad, but was lucky not to have killed someone.

[gmb45]

I remember when i first started work in Gateshead.
We used this cleaning fluid that was lethal near a flame.
so one day i decided to borrow some of this from work, and on the way to the bus station, which was about a mile away, we had to cross a very busy road ( felling bypass) if anyone has heard of it.
Well it was nearly impossible to cross this road in peak hour traffic. so i decided to dodge the cars to half way stage and pour the cleaning fluid as i ran across, when i got to the middle i lit the cleaning fluid and a wall of fire about 3 foot high shot across the road.
Causing mayhem with the traffic.

Thats was half way, now for the other half of the busy road, ...Yes you guessed it...i did the same on the other side and caused the traffic to be at a stanstill.

It was funny at the time being a young lad, but was lucky not to have killed someone.

jeez, didnt we do some daft things when we where young m8

[cantona7]

i remember being in a boozer when i was about 20 and i bumped into someone i went to school and we started as you do saying do you remember so & so & so on.
after a few names he mentioned this mgirls name and i said what a minger she was and that my mate had shagged her quite recently,to which he got all upset as it was his wife and at the time my mate was boning her he was with her ooooppps !!

[zaphodbb]

i remember one time at work because of all the inflammable stuff we used we had a special smoke pen, and this new guy was talking about a bird he had taken out and how she had the hairiest fanny he had ever seen, unbeknown to him the girls brother was sat there huge basta@d knuckles scraping the floor, glaring at him well we were all pissing our selfs laughing because we knew what would come next but this poor guy thought we were laughing at his story, so he starts to go into great detail about his encounter, by this time the tears are rolling from everybodys eyes and im on the floor holding my stomach, this guy thought he was on a roll so he went even further, suddenly ivan (thats his real name) stood up and said thats my sister your talking about, well if you could have seen his face, then of course ivan went over and beat the crap out of him... sorry a bit off the thread but next story is about me !!

[zaphodbb]

many years ago i worked in a security company, and there was a guy called tommy who would every time you bent over to pick something up would reach under your pants and grab your nuts a lift you up in the air, anyway we had a xmas do and we were all pissed, and i saw tommy bending over a table talking to somebody so i jumped up ran over grabbed his nuts and hoisted him up in the air saying "ha got you now ya bast@#d" he turned round with a shocked look on his face and then i realized it was one of the waiters!! hmmm! bit embarrassing to say the least !!

[Mr Pumpy]

When me daughter was toddling about i had her on me shoulders walking round Rotherham shopping. My missus wanted to go into Tesco's so off we went. I walked through the main doors forgeting about her up there, ofcoarse she crunched the wall above the door causing a bloody nose and bruised forehead.

I still feel guilty to this day.

[Mr Pumpy]

many years ago i worked in a security company, and there was a guy called tommy who would every time you bent over to pick something up would reach under your pants and grab your nuts a lift you up in the air, anyway we had a xmas do and we were all pissed, and i saw tommy bending over a table talking to somebody so i jumped up ran over grabbed his nuts and hoisted him up in the air saying "ha got you now ya bast@#d" he turned round with a shocked look on his face and then i realized it was one of the waiters!! hmmm! bit embarrassing to say the least !!

thats a good un.

[Mr Pumpy]

I once put a knife in the fork bit in the kitchen drawer.

[C64]

ive got you all beaten... unfortunately.

Ive managed to STAB MYSELF WITH A MARS BAR.
Yup, with a mars bar.

PMSL..

I got this far and spat cola all over my monitor

[forntida]

Many moons ago(BM*) I taught computer programming and Systems Analysis. One day I was 'baby sitting' a class for another Lecturer. One of the students asked me what a VGA card was. I replied 'I dont know anything about hardware'.

What was I teaching?

Introduction To Computer Hardware.

*Before Mice.

[gazz10]

Well there a few,will start of with things others have done, and then move on to mine.


Firstly in my old place of work, we had water treatment plant for removing paints etc from the water, A chemical used to dosed into system, to seperate the water from paint etc...


Well if you add this chemical to a glass of water it turns green..

So had a trainee sit and watch the water tanks till they turned green, sat all day at lousing time had to spill the beans..

Another was at friends house his mother had got new house and needed decorating, So his younger nephew was round lending a hand, stripping paper from the wall, one of us said if you wet it the paper will come of easier, a few minutes later he came back into room with the scrapper dripping wet, it had us in fits of laughter rest of day and he still never lives it down..


Am sure all will know about the welders bucket, work with the welder and catch his sparks,or sent for long stands in tool rooms,or mix the metallic paint till all the lines disappear, list is endless could go on day...



well i did say i would spill beans,,,

i was i think about 16-17 wanted nice pearly white teeth, now we going back several years ago, anyway i heard you can get them bleached or whitened, so what did one do, yes i thought why go to dentist, why pay the fees have a go myself. So one saturday morning thats what i did i set about getting my teeth whitened, some nice sparkling pearly whites. Looked out the bleech,cotton buds etc and set about my mouth, well the moral of the story is dont use bleech or harsh chemicals on your teeth as only results in huge dental costs as life goes on, and mouth full of plastic...

[C64]

I lost my virginity a couple of hours before my 17th birthday to an older lady (she was 19 ) As she took her knickers off the smell from her fanny set the fire alarm off

[stroner]

As she took her knickers off the smell from her fanny set the fire alarm off

lmfao think weve all been there m8...but yer just cant help goin back for more!!

[melloned]

Bought a mk 1 ford anglia for ?30 when i was a kid ( my 1st car) , knew nothing about cars , a workmate told me to just make sure it was full of oil when i collected it and i'd be ok .
I picked it up (got it for ?26 in the end) and took it to the 1st garage to check the oil .
Pulled onto the forcourt , lifted the bonnet , unsecrewed the rocker box cover and dipped my finger in , oh dear , no oil !.
Went back and to from the forcourt shop , until i'd put 3 gallons of oil in , and could feel it with my finger in the rocker box .
drove 400yds from the forcourt and it blew up !
You learn by your mistakes !!